The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the announcement that families making up to $100,000 will be eligible for full financial aid, the University clarified the policy in an email to students, writing that “the aid will be given in the form of U-Store credit.”
The Daily PrintsAnything sat down with Dean of the College Jill Dolan, who explained the reasoning behind this change.
“We want every student to come to Princeton and be able to buy not just one, but two sweatshirts,” Dolan said. “We want to foster a community of diverse Princeton apparel and water bottles.”
With this money to use at the U-Store, the University expects each student to be able to purchase either one short-sleeved shirt, one box of pop-tarts, two Gatorades, or an orange folder that holds anywhere between three and five pieces of paper.
Students expressed their satisfaction with this announcement. Amelia Waterstone ’26, who will be receiving U-Store credit under this change, shared her excitement.
“This new change means that my family will be able to afford mugs that say ‘Princeton Mom’ and ‘Princeton Dad,’” she began. “But my grandparents will have to share one.”
Dean Dolan added, “This credit cannot be used alongside a U-Store membership. All purchases are final.”
Spencer Bauman is Associate Humor Editor and a sophomore studying Chemical and Biological Engineering. He is glad to live far from the U-Store so he will not be tempted to spend his tuition on Pop-Tarts and Ritz Crackers.
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