The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In response to rising undergraduate COVID-19 cases on campus, University Health Services (UHS) has enacted a new policy to increase support for students who have tested positive for COVID-19.
“To students who have recently contracted COVID-19, we offer our sincerest commiserations,” UHS representative Dr. John Dolittle said. “We want you to be aware of some of our new critical resources available to students in isolation, which includes, comprehensively, our Thoughts and Prayers.”
Rona Cov ’24, a student who was recently in isolation, told The Daily PrintsAnything the new “Thoughts and Prayers” policy offers the much-needed support that was absent from previous policies.
“After the University removed some of their restrictive COVID-19 policies, I was worried about how COVID-19 would impact students this semester,” Cov said. “However, now that I know the University is praying for me, I finally feel like I’m getting the help I need. Who cares if I can’t leave my dorm to get meals or if I have to suffer through laggy Zoom calls for lectures? I have Thoughts and Prayers now!”
However, not all students have given this plan their blessing.
“As wonderful as this plan seems, it’s a little superficial,” Runni Knowes ’26 said. “Just spitballing here, but I think what’s missing from Princeton’s plan are daily conventions of COVID-positive students to boost morale.”
When asked whether President Biden’s recent proclamation regarding the end to the COVID-19 pandemic influenced the “Thoughts and Prayers” policy, Dolittle explained that they were unaware when they “slapped this all together.”
“Students of all religious identities and practices have access to the University’s Thoughts and Prayers,” Dolittle noted.
Michelle Ho is a contributing Humor writer and first-year prospective Classics concentrator. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
George Tidmore is a contributing Humor writer and first-year interested in studying German and linguistics. He can be reached at email@example.com.