The following article is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In an effort to condense the next 10 years of construction into this coming month, the University will be tearing down and then rebuilding your dorm, pretty much right now. Princeton has contracted a 1,000-vehicle armada of forklifts, bulldozers, and little orange canvas carts, which will be descending on the room where you live in about half an hour.
“There is someone at your door right now ready to escort you out,” said Director of Student Evictions Getty Phukout. “Finals may be taken in whatever hallway, corridor, or bathroom stall that you can stake out first.”
In order to meet the proposed timeline, the construction crew has been given a strict schedule. Similar to papers assigned over the break, there will be no deadline extensions. Students who remain on campus will return to find five cranes and 30 piles of dirt on their beds. The University sends you warm wishes, but has not announced plans for alternate housing.
Ben Kim is a first-year from Irvine, Calif., and contributing writer for the Satire section. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Anlon Zhu is a first-year from Irvine, Calif., and contributing writer for the Satire section. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.