The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
To prevent the spread of COVID-19 on campus, the Interclub Council (ICC) has announced that only Princeton students who show their PUID and a positive COVID-19 test will be allowed into the eating clubs.
“We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,” said a spokesperson for the ICC. “So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.”
Students who present a symptom check showing a temperature above 100.4F will be given a rapid test at the door.
COVID-positive club officers will enforce the policy, removing students who have not violently coughed in the past three minutes. Officers on duty will also be watching for any signs of a sense of smell or taste. Partiers who are even slightly fazed by street beer will be asked to leave.
Healthy students turned away at the door will be welcome to attend the outdoor mosh pit portion of the event, provided they plan to FaceTime their friends into class the following day.
Liana Slomka is a junior Ecology and Evolutionary Biology major and contributing writer for the Satire section from Atlanta, Georgia. She can be reached at lslomka@princeton.edu.
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