The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following years of boring, repetitive, and strikingly unoriginal essays from prospective students, The Office of Admission announced changes to the writing supplements required for applications in the upcoming cycle. The Class of 2026 will have to think “critically” and “so far outside the box, that you can’t even see the box” if they want to impress the admissions committee this year. Instead of asking “Why Princeton?” applicants must now grapple with a more nuanced question: “Why not Yale?”
The Daily PrincetOnion sat down with Dean of Admission Karen Richardson ’93 to ask about the recent developments.
“We’re trying to weed out the kids who ‘could have been happy anywhere,’ so this year we really want to know what ticked you off in New Haven,” Richardson said. “If you’re struggling with the prompt, just take your Yale supplement and throw ‘not’ in front of every verb.”
This announcement comes days after the University announced the removal of the graded written paper from the application process.
“You think we have time to read your repulsive AP Lit essay about ‘Frankenstein’?” Richardson said. Forty thousand applicants and you really think your essay on symbolism in ‘The Great Gatsby’ is what sets you apart?”
Dean Richardson left the PrincetOnion’s interview, returning to her office to shred some “What brings you joy?” and “What song represents the soundtrack of your life at this moment?” essays that had already been submitted.
“We don’t read that nonsense either,” she yelled, already halfway out of the conference room.
Spencer Bauman is a first-year intended economics major from Boca Raton, Florida. He is a contributing writer for the Satire section.