It's no wonder Princeton can't keep players

—Jason Bodner is the Senior Sports Editor at The Daily Pennsylvanian

Oh Princeton basketball, I feel sorry for you. I really do.

You play your home games in the corner of a building everyone knows should only be used as an indoor track.

Your Halloween-esque school colors are the same as the putrid Cincinnati Bengals.

Your fans continue to think they're clever when they yell, "Sit down, you suck," whenever an opposing player heads to the bench for a breather.

The train route to your campus includes something pathetically called a Dinky.

And your retention rate is worse than the XFL's — much worse.

I hate to do this, as I know it must hurt as bad as getting no-novocaine root canal from a less-than-steady-armed dentist, but I've just got to run through the list once more.

Your All-Ivy center, Chris Young, left to play minor league ball for an organization whose major league team hasn't been within sniffing distance of the playoffs in nearly a decade.

Your head coach, Bill Carmody, left to accept the position with a school that has a semi-permanent seat in the basement of the Big Ten.

Your shooting guard, Spencer Gloger, left for the school he wanted to be at in the first place.

Your top assistant coach, Joe Scott, fled for the Air Force.

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Eugene Baah left your team.

Chris Krug took a leave of absence from your team.

Ray Robins took a year off from your team.

That's five players and two coaches. None graduated, but none are with your fine program at the moment.

(I told you there'd be no novocaine.)

Oh Princeton basketball, I feel sorry for you. I really do.

That's why I especially applauded your University when it announced last month that it will eschew loans for grants and scholarships.

The timing is just so perfect. Maybe now you'll be able to convince a few players to stay.

I guess those incredibly-pretentious-sounding eating clubs haven't been enough of a draw. And neither has the socialist basketball on the court.

But some green for the blue bloods? That'll surely do it.

If not, then you'll be playing with another brand-new quintet at Jadwin.

Oh Princeton basketball, I feel sorry for you. I really do.

I know. It's tough fielding a basketball team when your admissions standards are just so far above everyone else's.

I know. It's tough when a school like Penn can put real athletes on the basketball court.

I know. It's tough when you have to go up against guys like Koko Archibong and Geoff Owens and Ugonna Onyekwe, guys with the slam dunk in their repetoire.

I know. It's tough.

Why don't you just go cry about it?

Oh Princeton basketball, I feel sorry for you. I really do.

I know it must be disheartening when you can only beat a Division III team like The College of New Jersey by 10 points.

I know it must be rough thinking about how Penn clocked you twice last year.

I know it'll be even worse for you today, when a not-quite-as-good-as-last-year Penn team still clocks you, 64-46.

Whatever five castaways you masquerade as starters (and let me remind you that they haven't been the same in any game this year) just can't match up with the Quakers' first five.

And all those defections and desertions certainly haven't helped your bench.

So be prepared for a somber ride home — and don't expect the mood to get any better back at Old Nassau, where your women's team hosts Penn tonight. The Quakers' women have a 13-game winning streak, while the Tigers have one win (and 18 losses) all season.

Oh Princeton basketball, I feel sorry for you. I really do.