The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Although it has been uncommon in recent years for Princeton students to go into public service following graduation, it was recently announced that one current Princeton student has already made his voice heard within the walls of Congress.
Joining the ranks of two alumni currently serving in the Senate and six in the House of Representatives, the student made a name for himself and for the University by expressing his desire to take the duties of the legislative branch into his own hands in January 2021.
University spokesperson Paul Ittiks said, “We are thrilled to see a member of our community speaking up for his beliefs, and even more excited to see a Princeton undergrad who truly believes his voice matters and that he is working in the nation’s service.”
“It’s refreshing to see that someone who has gone through a Princeton education still thinks he can make a difference,” School of Public and International Affairs professor Dee Sillusioned said. “With so many graduates opting for careers in finance and academia, this is a nice reminder that some people still care about the workings of our nation’s government.”
Inspired by the student’s leadership, pushing of boundaries, and passion for change, Princeton Internships in Civic Service (PICS) announced they will begin connecting students with opportunities in public speaking and riot coordination.
PICS Director Kommu Nity said, “We’re doing this because we want to, and because we thought hard about it. Not because we feel like we have to. We don’t give in to mob mentality.”
Liana Slomka is a head Humor editor and a senior studying ecology and evolutionary biology. She’s looking for a job and feels her resume is lacking, but at least she’s never been indicted by a grand jury.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
