University’s smelly men announce plan to wear too-small sweatpants

In a communal statement to the student body on Tuesday, the stinky men of Princeton announced a communal initiative to wear way-too-small sweatpants to physics precept and wherever else they go on campus. Affected areas may include lecture halls used by 400-level COS courses, some ORFE classrooms, and pretty much all of Fine Hall.

“Most of us already avoid pants that bare less than two inches of skin, but this initiative ensures that no pale, skeletal ankle will be unjustly hidden from the world,” said Sammy Liu ’29, a particularly pungent prospective mathematics major whose grey Adidas sweats were heavily stained and torn at the knees.

We caught Cyrus Randall ’28, a chemistry major who caused a Butler College-wide search for a sewage leak last week, in Frick Taylor Commons. He assured us that the new initiative would in no way interfere with stinky men’s ongoing work.

“Rain, shine, sleet, or hail, we will pull on fleece joggers that haven’t been washed since 7th grade, grip some flip-flops between our fingerlike toes, and run you over with a foldable e-bike on the way to class.”

Randall then sat down on the linoleum tiles and yanked a pair of disintegrating Under Armour sneakers onto his bare feet.

“The things they make us do for lab,” he complained. Concerned classmates skirted around him on the way to the laboratory, praying that he would be sent home for the enormous holes in his disturbingly explicit Minecraft t-shirt. 

Nathaniel Voss is an assistant Humor editor who has spent far too much time marinating in McDonnell to joke about hygiene. He can be reached at nathanielvoss[at]dailyprincetonian.com.

Editor’s note: Since publication, the smelly men have reaffirmed their commitment to make way more money than you and get a super hot wife.