The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Johanna Faust ’26 claims that she received less than what she bargained for when she sold her soul to the Devil in exchange for an A- in French 101.
Faust, a pre-med Chemistry major, says that she was at a low point in the year when she was first contacted by the Prince of Darkness through LinkedIn, a company he co-founded. “Knowing what I know now, I wish I had negotiated for more, like an A in CHM 301 or PHY 105,” says Faust.
In exchange for the French grade, Faust is required to do Satan’s bidding on Earth for the rest of her days, after which she will be in his employ in the underworld, overseeing Hades and the legions of non-Episcopalians doomed for an eternity.
Faust made her choice following a tour through the nine circles of Hell led by the Roman poet Virgil, organized by the Center for Career Development. She says that the scene was not much worse than her many family vacations spent on Carnival cruises.
Editor’s note: In an emailed statement, Carnival Cruise Lines objected to this comparison to Hell, stating that their ships host the Limbo of Infants on the third level, not the first.
Faust is not alone in accepting the first offer she received. A 2023 Pew Research poll found that 60 percent of respondents did not negotiate their most recent salary offer. This number was even larger when the offer came from supernatural or demonic forces.
During fall break, Faust was deciding between summer opportunities with the various entities under Lucifer’s control. Faust had already interviewed with Herbalife, ExxonMobil, and James Corden’s production company.
Fletcher Block is a contributing Humor writer and Sam McComb is an associate Humor editor. They have been described by The Nassau Literary Review as “rising talents” and by The Star-Ledger as “cooperating witnesses in the investigation.”
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