The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the disastrous fan distribution this morning that left many students empty-handed, Housing Services announced they have hidden fans around campus for students to find in an egg hunt-style competition.
An email from Housing Services sent to all undergraduates contained riddles hinting at locations where the fans can be found. The email ended with “may the odds be ever in your favor,” a nod to the upcoming release of the new “Hunger Games” film. Students have already dropped their problem sets and assigned readings in the spirit of competition to search for the fans.
The fan distribution was scheduled to commence at 10:30 a.m., but by 11 a.m. multiple eyewitnesses reported seeing students using lab notebooks, Crocs sandals, and Wintersession tote bags as weapons against fellow students in a desperate attempt to obtain a fan, evoking haunting memories of the Fyre Festival documentary.
Noah Cee, a representative from Housing Services, told The Daily PrintsAnything, “We are looking forward to watching undergraduates scramble around campus looking for fans. They are NOT on the roof!”
Cee continued, “We will be checking to make sure participating students are only those living in non-air-conditioned dorms.” Hunter Phan ’24, a sweaty undergraduate participating in the fan hunt, explained that he was asked by a Housing Services representative to “pinky swear” that he lived in Brown Hall.
Phan was seen carrying three large box fans into Addy Hall in New College West.
Spencer Bauman is the head Humor editor and a member of the Class of 2025. He has already found all the fans and will be selling them on the orange and black market.