The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
What your residential college says about you:
Butler: You are a current student at Princeton University.
Rockefeller: You are a current student at Princeton University.
Hufflepuff: You are loyal to a fault, and will stick by your friends no matter what!
Mathey: You are a current student at Princeton University.
Whitman: You are a current student at Princeton University.
Yeh: You are a current student at Princeton University.
New College West: You are a current student at Princeton University.
First: You probably breathed in asbestos.
Wilson: You attended Princeton at some point between 1966 and 2020.
Bezos College: You will be admitted to Princeton in the year 2025.
Forbes: You are a current student across the street from Princeton University.
The School of Public and International Affairs: Maintenance is asking you to please stop sleeping in Robertson 016.
Aidan Davis is a contributing Humor writer who is currently breathing in asbestos, but not because he is in First College.
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‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
