The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The Department of Facilities requested that students stop flushing copies of The Daily Princetonian down University toilets, in an email to the undergraduate student body last Friday. Facilities dubbed the phenomenon a “critical issue,” due to the extensive amount of calls related to this problem.
“Pipes are going to burst if another one of you shoves just a few more pages down,” wrote Facilities.
Roughly 50 percent of The Daily Princetonian’s printed issues each week will end up in a University toilet by Monday, and the other 50 percent by Thursday, according to an internal analytics report obtained from a despondent ‘Prince’ business staffer.
The Daily PrintsAnything sat down with ‘Prince’ Editor-in-Chief Emma Treadway to understand her opinions on the issue.
“Well, if you don’t flush them, we’re gonna have to at the end of the week, anyway,” Treadway said.
If you must flush the ‘Prince,’ Housing and Real Estate Services recommends first ripping it into smaller, more manageable pieces. Or just throw it away like everyone else.
Spencer Bauman is a first-year intended economics major from Boca Raton, Florida. He is a contributing writer for the Satire section. He can be reached at sbauman@princeton.edu.
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‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
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Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
