The following piece is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
With a generous $16 million commitment from Marlboro, the Center for Health and Wellbeing (CHW) will begin a new research initiative focused on ensuring the improvement of lung health in individuals everywhere.
Inspired by ExxonMobil and BP’s altruistic donations to the Andlinger Center for Energy and the Environment’s High Meadows Environmental Institute Carbon Mitigation Initiative, the money will come with no strings attached whatsoever, probably.
“This funding from Marlboro will allow us to be leaders on the public health front,” Sally Kleenheir, the director of the CHW explained. “With this $16 million, we will be closer to fulfilling our mission of advancing both science and policy research to address today’s most pressing challenges.”
The CHW is a program within the School of Public and International Affairs.
Professor Seegar Puph from the molecular biology department added, “In the past, I’ve had students come up to me asking to do research on bronchial health, and with this newfound partnership, they will be able to perform cutting edge unbiased research on the leading causes of lung cancer.”
Representatives from Marlboro reportedly felt “giddy” at the partnership’s announcement.
“At a time when coughing is at an all time high, we are excited to be partnering with some of the world’s most renowned scientists and policymakers to be pushing the ball forward on protecting the public’s lungs,” said Marlboro’s partnerships and funding director, Tupac A. Day. “The Healthy Lung Initiative demonstrates how corporations and academia can work together and inspire each other in addressing societal solutions.”
The announcement was subject to backlash from several anonymous administrators who complained that a partnership with Marlboro represents a step backward in corporate sponsorship. Rather, they expressed, getting funded by a more modern company like Juul would have been cooler.
As part of the gift from Marlboro, RCAs will now be providing packs of cigarettes in their condom and candy bags.
Hannah To is a satire contributor from Easton, Mass. She can be reached at hto@princeton.edu.
Angel Kuo is a sophomore from Hesperia, Calif. and a contributing writer for the Satire section and contributing photographer for the Photo section. He can be reached at angelk@princeton.edu.
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