One person, one bed

By the Anscombe Society, Guest Contributor

Dear 'Prince' editors:

In response to Simone Hill and Ayaan McKenzie’s “Open letter to the Dean of Undergraduate Students,” we are corresponding on the subject of extraneous furniture. We feel that the furniture policy has not been given its due explication and has been presented in the absence of its immoral, depraved context.

It seems to be the case that critics find fault with the policy not because of the general recognition that it is an injustice to be limited to but one bed … and but one chair … and but one mid-sized armoire. Rather, they deem the disciplinary action to be unfit for the crime committed.

Indubitably, we agree that the recommended disciplinary action is not fit for the crime. But that is because what those heathens so nonchalantly refer to as being “limited to but one bed … and but one chair … and but one mid-sized armoire” is an absolute necessity in the pursuit of preserving the moral backbone of campus life. Before arriving at our policy recommendations, we will use this space to explore the ghastly nature of this desperate desire for more than one bed.

Having extra furniture leads to imprudent behavior. Indeed, having more than one bed might mean that you have more space to sleep. Or, more likely, you are providing yourself with a vacant space begging to be filled next to you in those wintry Reading Period nights, when your skin is cold and lonely, comforted only by the warm breath of an individual whispering sweet nothings about the intricate beauty of your mid-sized armoire.

Furthermore, the issue is even more severe. Recent sociological studies have given rise to the “gateway bed theorem”: the infallible notion that excess flat surfaces in one’s room is just the beginning to begging for more. More flat surfaces … more plump surfaces … more flesh on flesh (!) … more mid-sized armoires! We need not mention the dire state of a certain soul on campus who infamously made use of an anonymous forum — PrincetonFML — to confess especially egregious behavior: the nymphomanic possession of FOUR beds in his or her (or maybe his AND her … AND her … AND the mid-sized armoire’s) “single.” FML? More like FH&H&H&midsizedarmoireL.

But beyond the beds (if you can actually move around the four beds and the mid-sized armoire in your 110-square-foot single), we must address the promiscuous nature of chairs, and more importantly, their legs. Those long, slender legs. And their plump cushioning. And that arching back. And the mid-sized armoire that stands seductively across from it in the corner, door slightly ajar. Oh, you temptress.

As you can see, the moral imperative is urgent and must be addressed immediately. We propose a four-pronged approach, corresponding to the epic battle against the promiscuity of the four feet of your sensuous desk chair, otherwise known as a “tetra-puss” (Greek “tetra” for four, and “puss” for what nearly means foot). Yes, you heard right: puss. Puss, because you must know your enemy as well as your own genitalia, if such a thing were acceptable.

Recommendation 1: We believe that residential college advisers should take on the roll of policing morality. This would require routinely patrolling the halls and listening under door-cracks for the squeaky rock of a University-issued desk chair.

Recommendation 2: Remove Fire Safety from the role of policing these offenses, for these individuals are not morally accountable, with their tucked-in polos, rippling muscles, and Tom Selleck-esque facial hair.

Recommendation 3: Train students during OA about the dangers that lurk in one’s mid-sized armoire by forcing them to carry them on their backs during their 10-mile hike in the Poconos.

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Recommendation 4: We should require stricter policies for doors being taped open. Like whips, chains and other things.

In order to have a more perfect union (or should we say, dis-union), do not deviate from the morally upright possession of ONE bed, ONE chair … ONE mid-sized armoire.

Sincerely (and Chastely),

The Anscombe Society

The Ancombe Society is concerned about our moral well-being.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.