Weinstein '09 threw presidency for CDY

By Moses Weinbergsteinmanovich, Princetonian Jew

USG vice president Mike Wang ’10 confessed Tuesday that he was party to USG president Josh Weinstein ’09’s decision to bribe candidates running for USG president not to join the race, ensuring that Connor Diemand-Yauman ’10 would run uncontested for the seat.

“When Josh learned that I was going abroad next semester, he jumped on the opportunity, telling Connor that I would not be running,” Wang said.

Wang explained that, in return for bribing other candidates for USG president to drop out of the race, Diemand-Yauman promised Weinstein an opportunity to meet Ben Folds when the Nassoons recorded with the artist early last month. Wang added that Diemand-Yauman also entered into a contract ensuring that he would allow Weinstein to continue e-mailing the campus community over the next year.

“At first I thought there was no harm in it,” Wang said, “but when I saw the Honor Committee’s e-mail yesterday about exams, it was too much.”

Weinstein denied the accusations, explaining that he was not a fan of Ben Folds and only e-mailed the student body when absolutely necessary. Weinstein refused further comment, noting that he was too busy arranging study breaks for finals period.

When Associate Dean of Undergraduate Students Thomas Dunne was informed of the confession, he announced that, though Weinstein would not be allowed to “endlessly spam everyone on campus in an unnecessary and obnoxious manner,” Diemand-Yauman would not be removed from his position as next year’s USG president.

Dunne also said that Weinstein would be the only senior required to undergo the administration’s newly implemented policy of mandatory anti-toolishness electrophysiology therapy.

Support nonprofit student journalism. Donate to the ‘Prince’. Donate now »

“I don’t really care anymore,” Dunne noted. “Everybody seems to have gotten something out of it, and it’s not as if the position really matters. Maybe its better not to be USG president, look what happened to Spitzer.”

Dunne referred to Eliot Spitzer ’81’s tenure as USG vice president in 1980 and eventual resignation from his office as the governor of New York state last spring, after it was revealed that he had slept with a prostitute.

“There seems now to be a pattern developing where USG presidents are involved in petty corruption, but nobody seems to care, especially students,” Dunne said, adding “even I’ve had to offer students money to apply for USG positions. Do you want to apply for USG secretary?” Dunne then removed a $20 bill from his wallet.

As Dunne predicted, students asked how they felt about the situation either commented that they had too much work to finish for “this bullshit.”

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

USG treasurer Mike Monagle ’09 said that he was unaware of these events, or anything meaningful that the USG had done in the past two months.

“Wait, have we conducted elections for next year yet?” Monagle asked. “Am I still treasurer? What time are we meeting next?”

Wang also explained that not all the bribes were monetary, and at least one of the potential candidates for USG president was persuaded not to run after receiving a lock of Weinstein’s hair, saved since last spring, when he opted for a shorter hairstyle.

“It was just so silky and smooth,” said the female student who received the hair, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of jealousy from other female Tower Club VIP members. “I couldn’t resist it.”

Weinstein was also blamed for disturbing the USG vice-presidential election, when he endorsed candidate Michael Weinberg ’11 and suggested that Diemand-Yauman also endorsed Weinberg, which was later contradicted by Diemand-Yauman and others.

“When I first threatened to come clean about the bribery, Josh created this whole fiasco to distract attention from what he had already done,” Wang said. “It was a pretty good tactic. Everyone was so upset about the VP election, they were glad that the presidential election was uncontested.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.