To arms!

By Kaweeta Sayeeni, Princetonian Mail-Order Bride

Select members of the University band (PUB) may soon carry firearms to protect themselves when performing at other colleges and universities.

Will Scharf ’08, who has previously lobbied for Public Safety officers to carry firearms, submitted a petition Monday to the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students, asking Dean Thomas Dunne to sanction the move.

“Our band members have a right to defend themselves against drunkards at inferior colleges, like The Citadel,” Scharf wrote in the petition, referencing an incident in September 2008 at the Charleston, S.C., military college, in which intoxicated cadets attacked and savagely mauled a number of band members.

“Given that they have the right, the University should provide them with the means,” Scharf wrote.

Scharf’s petition would provide key band members, including the drum major and flute players, with Walther PPK pistols.

“These guns are small and can be easily carried and fired with one hand,” Scharf explained in an interview Tuesday. “That’s why James Bond picked it as his weapon of choice.”

Scharf added that he will be filing a concurrent petition to the Princeton Borough Police, asking them to train band members in the use of the firearms.

“Borough Police officers are the best law enforcement officers in Princeton Borough,” Scharf explained in an interview. “They have done wonderful things for the University, the eating clubs and for me personally.”

PUB president and Princeton Animal Welfare Society vice president Alex Barnard ’09 noted that while he is against killing animals, Citadel cadets are a different story.

“Those guys were effing insane,” Barnard said in an interview. “They came at us, brandishing golf clubs and tennis racquets like the Neanderthal yokels that they are. I would have shot them if I could have.”

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“Scharf may be a gun-loving Republican nut, but if he can give us the means to defend ourselves, I’m all for it,” he said, adding that the Citadel cadets called the band members “long-haired faggots.”

The success of Scharf’s petition, however, is as of yet uncertain.

Dunne said that he is currently reviewing the petition. He explained that though he personally supports such a move, he fears that other key administrators could raise opposition and lobby to prevent its implementation.

Dean of the College “Nancy [Malkiel] is not going to go for it,” he said. “I have spoken with her, and she’s afraid that someone is going to take a gun and kill that little rat dog of hers in retribution for grade deflation.”

Malkiel did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

A second impediment to the petition could be the cooperation of Borough Police officers in training band members to fire the weapons.

“To be honest, we don’t really know how to shoot guns,” Borough Police High Inquisitor David Dudeck said. “Most of officers’ time is spent nailing people for open container violations and public urination, which doesn’t take much firepower. I don’t think most of our patrolmen could hit Nassau Hall if they tried.”

Scharf, who is currently studying marksmanship at the Harvard Institute of Riflery, explained that he believes his petition is rather conservative in its ambitions.

“Really, everyone should have guns,” he explained in an interview. “The band members, the football players, the coaches, the cheerleaders. I know it might take extra time to train the women, but believe me, it will be worth it.”

“An armed society is a safe society,” he added, citing the writings of noted conservative scholar Robert George.

“The founders clearly wanted us to have guns,” George said in an interview. “Almost as much as they wanted us to have premarital homosexual relations.”

Scharf noted that he is not going to just sit and wait for Dunne to approve the petition, explaining that he will be taking a leave of absence from Harvard to travel to Princeton and rally supporters.

“I already have a job lined up at the N.R.A, so school is a secondary concern for me,” he said.

“This is a just cause. George has my back. I’m going to get PUB’s back,” he added.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.