Spitzer '81 to be Wilson School dean

By Jen Tile, Princetonian Rabbinical Student

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer ’81 will be the new dean of the Wilson School, replacing Anne-Marie Slaughter ’80 after she heads to Washington, D.C., several top figures in the University administration said.

The administrators, speaking before a scheduled news release on Thursday, explained that though many professors had voiced initial objections to the disgraced former New York attorney general, it was Slaughter and Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel who pushed for Spitzer to return to his alma mater.

Slaughter said that she wanted Spitzer to replace her because she “trusts that Eliot will lead this cadre of self-absorbed pre-I-bankers down the right path.” She pointed to Spitzer’s history of “hating on those people who want to make money and sending them to jail.”

Malkiel agreed, albeit for different reasons. “I think this would be the best way to achieve the goals of Major Choices, which is definitely the most important project that Princeton has ever undertaken.”

Reached on the cell phone of another “friend” on Tuesday, Spitzer said he was delighted to accept the job. “I’m a fucking steamroller. I’m gonna roll over you and the Robertsons and anyone else,” he shouted.

When informed that the Robertsons have already rolled over, he replied, “Well they need to be taught a lesson. They’re like the mob. You’ve just got to bring them down.”

When asked whether he would launch a countersuit against the Robertsons, Spitzer repeated, “They have to be taught a lesson.”

Support nonprofit student journalism. Donate to the ‘Prince’. Donate now »

Wilson School professor Gary Bass, who has been rumored to have really, really wanted Slaughter’s job (almost as much as he wanted Sam Power, but alas, she got away with someone better), said that Spitzer was unqualified for the job.

“Hello! He slept with a prostitute!??!?!?” Bass said.

Spitzer was quick to point out that Bass “probably could not afford said prostitute on his professor salary.” He also said that even with the prostitution issue, he was still the best candidate. “I used to be the governor of New York!” he said.

Harvard Law School dean and solicitor-general designate Elena Kagan ’81, who characterized herself as Slaughter’s “mortal frenemy,” said that she thinks Spitzer will probably be a “more effective administrator and leader” than Slaughter. She also said that she believed Slaughter would never be as successful as herself or Spitzer. “Eliot, Anne-Marie and me … I mean, I think we all know who’s the third wheel in that relationship,” she said. “And I think we all know who has a REAL job in the Obama administration of love and peace and utopian change we can believe in.”

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Slaughter is Hillary Clinton’s pick for Director of Trying to Plan Policy But Will End Up Spewing Not Very Good Academic Nonsense at the State Department.

Slaughter, Kagan and Spitzer all attended Princeton and Harvard Law School. Spitzer dated both Kagan and Slaughter, but “probably not at the same time,” an individual who asked to be identified as the Woody Woo Gossip Girl said.

Slaughter said, “Well, whatevs. I mean, I am SO MUCH HOTTER than that chick.”

Spitzer will teach WWS 308: Ethics and Public Policy beginning in September 2009. He will be the ninth client — ahem, dean — of the Wilson School.

Spitzer, who has spent the last year doing nothing, occasionally lounges at his country home, according to his housekeeper. He has also been spotted jogging in Harvard, Princeton and Horace Mann gear in Chappaqua, N.Y.

He added that he would like to rename the Wilson School dean’s office “The Emperor’s Club.”

“It’s not a veiled reference to anything,” he said. “I like the name. It brings back great memories. Is there anything wrong with that? Jesus.”

No Wilson School students agreed to be interviewed for this story because they were too worried about their potential non-employers finding out. A guesstimated 65 percent of them are thinking “ohhhhhhhh god, what did we get ourselves into?” at this time.

Business Today will hold a seminar called “How to explain your dean and your school in an awkward interview” on Friday.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.