By Phillip DeKollar, Princetonian Staff Hippie
In an effort to cure undergraduate toolishness, the University has instituted a policy that all incoming freshmen undergo electrophysiological therapy.
This new policy comes shortly after a discovery made last week by Wilson School professor Gary Bass and molecular biology professor Jane Flint. The pair found that sending electric pulses of more than 80 volts to the ventral-medial-lateral-nucleus hypothalamus, a specific region of the brain controlling premature forms of toolishness, could permanently inhibit social climbing desires.
“We believe that toolishness has a negative impact on the world, especially at this University,” President Tilghman said in a statement. “In the spirit of our motto ‘In the Nation’s Service,’ it is our obligation to rid our students of toolishness before they enter the real world.”
In an effort to cure most of the undergraduate population, all members of the classes of 2010, 2011 and 2012 will have undergone treatment by the end of Intersession. Since the Class of 2009 is “already a lost cause,” Tilghman said, seniors will not be required to participate.
The therapy is expected to be approved by the FDA within the next week. This approval has been expedited due to growing relations between the University and the federal government as a result of the appointment of several alumni and former faculty members to the Obama administration.
Outside of “In the Nation’s Service,” Tilghman believes the University will greatly benefit in other areas including diversifying student interests “beyond money.”
“We are expecting more pastel-colored clothing, especially Lacoste polo shirts, in this year’s clothing donations,” Rotaract president Runqiu Cai ’11 said.
David Spergel ’82, chair of the astrophysics department, said “The stars are clearly aligning,” adding that his department is “eagerly anticipating our letter of invitation to the Big Five club,” which consists of the five largest departments in the University.
Others, however, were not as pleased with the new program. Outgoing Tower Club president Stephanie Burset ’09 lamented the new policy, saying it may result in a disproportionate number of students dropping out of the club. There has also been speculation that the club may now need to close due to a lack of members and future bickerees.
Wilson School professor Stan Katz said he sees both benefits and costs to the program. “Though we are worried about the clear decrease in students, we also hope that the therapy will decrease the number of Woody Woo students who enter banking and consulting and increase the number of students who really enter public service,” Katz said in an e-mail. “Though we paid the Robertson family to get them off our backs, we are still seeking the solution to the banking problem.”
The Interclub Council (ICC) is also expecting a new tone this year during Lawnparties. “I’m not sure if spring Lawnparties will be as exciting as previous years’,” ICC president Mike Coolbaugh ’09 said in an e-mail. “Will it be as colorful? Will it be as spring? Will it be as Princeton?!”
Several consulting firms and banks have already pulled their postings from TigerTracks, according to Career Services.
“How well can this possibly go?” said Walter McWasperman ’50, a prominent alumnus. “Look at how well Tilghman’s last few ‘goals’ have gone! First she puts women everywhere, then she puts in grade deflation so my grandson can’t get A’s!”
Though McWasperman said he disapproves of the policy, he cannot petition to seek Tilghman’s resignation due to a clause in the University’s constitution inserted during last month’s faculty meeting that states that no University president can be removed in the course of attempting to achieve the University’s motto.
“I am so glad I have no approval ratings to look to,” Tilghman giggled during an interview. “Poor President Bush!”
Meanwhile, students have been disappearing during random parts of the day, presumably to begin the first phase of the program. “Nooooo,” one sophomore cried as he was seen being dragged into the hallows of Nassau Hall by University Vice President and Secretary Bob Durkee ’69. “I want to pop my collar forever!”
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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