No sleep till Princeton

Weather Fans, I’ve noticed many of you taking advantage of the winning combination of warm weather and post-thesis/junior paper bliss recently. Tossing the Fris. Listening to some Dave. Injecting Natty Ice into your eyeballs 24 times in 24 hours. So college. Unfortunately, like a Japanese soldier still fighting World War II in the late ’60s, my thesis is not due until Monday. This weekend, you will enjoy two more warm days and some pollen-busting rain late Saturday and Sunday, which should help alleviate the need to consume a bowl of Allegra for breakfast. I, on the other hand, will fight to survive by dosing myself hourly with harsh stimulants and gray-market energy drinks. Most historians believe Socrates was forced to commit suicide after being found guilty of corrupting the minds of Athenian youth. This is false. He actually overdosed on Gatorade Hemlock Blast.

Anyway, I need some alternate programming this week. One option was reprinting Ayn Rand’s 1953 guest weather column, which consisted of three sentences of forecasting and a 150-page manifesto against income redistribution. The undeniable humor of objectivist rants notwithstanding, I decided instead to hand over the reins to someone whose favorite drink was Orange Slice, who rode with pride in a 1990 Pontiac Astrowagon and whose infectious love of Reebok Pump technology continues to inspire me to this day: namely, myself, at age 10. Here then, presented with original malapropisms and naivete intact, is my fourth-grade graduation essay from the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program.

“On the drug- and violence-ravaged inner cities of America, a force fighting against evil and overwhelming odds exists. Coming to schools across the country this group spreads its important message. This splendid organization is DARE, and the message is, ‘Stay drug and violence-free.’ This is a message that many high schoolers, middle schoolers and elementry schoolers need to hear. Fourteen in every 100 high schoolers already uses drugs, and, of course, many more high school students in the same 100 are tempted to use drugs, or could start using drugs tomorrow. What will become of tomorrow if positive organizations like DARE are not curbing the use of drugs and violence?

I am lucky enough to be enrolled in a school whose students are benefitting from the DARE program. I, myself have learned how dangerous drugs can be and how rage in an argument can be a cause for deadly violence. I pledge, from here until whenever I die, I will never, ever, EVER use drugs. I think it is important to stay drug free because you stay as yourself. Drugs alter your behavior and thereby make you a ‘different’ person. I want to act like myself, no matter if the people around me choose to ‘accept’ me or not. May DARE continue to educate children and grind drugs and violence to a screeching halt. Farewell, DARE, you’ve served me well.”

And that little boy who hated rage grew up to become America’s foremost Weather Guy. Now you know … the rest of the story.