Why, just this time last March, it took all my energy not to sprint to McCosh Health Center for some expert psychological counseling. Even thinking about the anxiety brought on by this demonic process makes me wish I could crawl into a fetal position on a couch in the Dod basement and call it a day. Lest you think I'm exaggerating, let's explore the hardships of the draw: Roommates. How many? Who? What to do about A and B, who hate each other but are fine drawing together? Throw in then C who will only room with A, but meanwhile D insists on a triple with A and B, while E storms out of the room after C says he snores like a water buffalo. But F is best friends with A, B ,C, D and E, though all of them secretly wish he'd just transfer to Penn like he threatened to last year.
Next, where should one live? Up campus? Down campus? Off campus? The streets of Princeton Borough? A is antisocial but B insists on a party room, and C has dust allergies but D is allergic to C, so maybe it would work in a hall of singles or a quad and two singles or - no, never mind. I was so silly last spring about junior draw. It took me literally the first half of the semester to decide what to do, and by the time I finished that I'd already flunked MOL 101B. Now, I'm older and wiser. Faced with so many overwhelming decisions, I would definitely prefer if somebody just treated me like an infant. Otherwise, it's simply too much. Classes, my junior paper, and now this. I need somebody to wipe my tuchus and read me a bed time story (preferably "Good Night Moon.") The real world? That's a year and a half away, AKA practically forever. Fortunately, Princeton agrees and can meet my needs. Whitman College, here I come!
Ah, Whitman. A place where I can be me, under the approving eye of administrators who always know what's best. I'll leave my disturbingly homogeneous "friends" behind and enter a kid-friendly wonderland wherein grad students and freshmen of all colors, shapes, sizes, socioeconomic backgrounds and sexual orientations interact - in the hallway; in the stairwell; in the bathroom. It'll be like an Alcohol Initiative event every day. Prospect Avenue's social oppression, in contrast, is sooooo 1600s. Good riddance to bad rubbish. What do you think: Should I live in a single? Or maybe Spelman 8. With my dining hall plan that all you haters mock, I'd have better food than even Terrace Club and a private kitchen to boot. Take that, independents! High five Housing Office! W00000t! I'm uber-excited to meet the underclassmen on my floor. I'm sure they'll feel the same about me. We'll go to Broadway shows together, have candlelit Whitman "members only" dinner together, sip hot cocoa on cold winter nights and on Thursdays and Saturdays we'll all have sleepovers in my single and snuggle and watch "Animal House" and imagine what alcohol must taste like - some say cotton candy.
And in the spring, when I ask them nicely, two of my new friends will kick it up a notch as "thesis buddies." They'll do my laundry and grab me a sandwich from Hoagie Haven and make my bed and proofread stuff and we'll all share a great big belly laugh about how we're super glad not to be in a frat. Not that there are any frats on campus anyway. But you can imagine.
Yeah, sure, there are a few things on the Street that I'll miss, like upperclassmen. They're OK. And Houseparties and stuff. Whatever. We've got dedication ceremonies with free blankets. And those fools don't live next to their preceptors, do they? Booyah. That's what I thought.
Guess what? I read on a blog that Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel is planning to exempt all the four-year residential college upperclassmen from grade deflation as a bonus for making the right housing choice. I bet you're jealous now. So, yeah: I'm joining the four-year residential college, or as those in the know call it, the "cuatro." You should too! It'll be like "Mommy and me," but with a creepy Ph.D. candidate instead of mommy. Short of accomplishing something, this is the easiest way to be treated better than all your friends - and know you really are.
Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.
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