How to wear your penguin suit

Let's be honest. Most guys don't like to spend a lot of time dressing. Then again, most guys - and I stress the word "most," so for all of you who don't fit the stereotype, bravo - don't even know where to begin. In a world brimming with endless sartorial possibilities, shopping becomes intimidating and less inviting than a Don King bad hair day.

Once you start pairing baggy sweats with a ribbed tank top or suspenders with Urkel pants (that's a "Family Matters" jab), it's difficult to break out of the cycle of familiarity, especially when it comes to formal events.

One of these events - the Academy Awards - happens every year, when the stars come out to play and congratulate themselves. The event goers - the men at least - almost always wear tuxedos, and they've got to wear the right one because a bad walk down the red carpet can stick to you like a barnacle. This begs the question: What qualifies as the right tuxedo?

Tuxedos have become a mainstay of formal wardrobes over time, despite fashion's mercurial nature. You'd get some finger-pointing if you strolled into a party with a 1950s tux on, but generally speaking, a tux is a tux.

I've seen hundreds of prom photos with guys in outrageous tuxedos. A white tux with a mint-green vest, a blue tux with a floral-patterned cummerbund ... I can't even stomach the thought of putting the last one into words. These are all mistakes, if that hadn't already been made quite clear. When it comes to tuxedos, you should start with the color: black or midnight blue. No white unless you're a septuagenarian or a politician. Some designers, following Hedi Slimane's lead, are cutting the pants very narrow and short. That allows you to show some ankle and cover your butt at the same time. It's a fine look for some people (the models on the runway, for instance) but definitely not for most. Regular people look best with a pant that is fitted and long enough for a single break at the bottom of each pant leg.

The right shape for your jacket has a lot to do with your body type. If you're a little beefy, don't wear a jacket with skinny lapels; you'll risk looking like Shaq in a medium. Large- or medium-sized lapels look good on most body types. The shirt is relatively simple: Stick to white, and don't make it complex. A simple white button-down will do just fine as long as it's not plastered to your chest or grazing your knees. If you can find one with a piece of fabric the runs over the buttons, that will add an air of sophistication to your step.

The bowtie is the final touch. It's easy enough: Larger bowties go with large lapels and smaller lapels should be accompanied by small bow ties. The color should match the color of your tux. You could, of course, choose to wear a standard tie with your tux, as many younger actors have done at recent Oscar ceremonies. Though the overall look is slightly less formal, you'll look good if you keep its color consistent with the tux. The same sizing logic applies: bigger lapel, wider tie; smaller lapel, narrower tie.

Forget the cummerbund. Enough said.

But don't worry about what I said earlier: If you like wearing baggy sweats or Urkel pants, you can always break them out when you apply for your senior-citizen coupon booklet.