Ask the Sexpert — Feb. 21, 2008

Dear Sexpert,

I've had a couple of sexual fantasies floating around in my head for a while now, but I'm unsure of how to tell my partner about them. I'm just afraid that my partner will freak out and think I'm crazy. Do you have any tips on how to broach the subject?

- Daydreamer

Dear Daydreamer,

Having fantasies is a totally normal and healthy part of being a sexually active individual, so you should feel no shame in having these feelings or discussing them with your partner. That being said, it can seem like a daunting and potentially divisive subject to bring up. But it shouldn't be. In fact, talking about your sexual fantasies can be a great way to improve communication with your partner. Open communication is one of the most important factors that makes a good relationship a great relationship. Since you have already decided to be sexually active, having a conversation about what sexual activities you would like to engage in is a great next step. You definitely know your partner better than I do and probably have your own ideas on how to best approach the subject of sexual fantasies, but I've included some suggestions below on how to begin.

A simple way to broach the topic is to pose a simple, non-judgmental question, such as "What have you always wanted to do?" You could even be so bold as to ask a more specific question, such as "Where have you always wanted to have a sexual encounter?" or "Is there a position that you have always wanted to try?" if you feel that this is more likely to elicit an active response. When your partner responds, listen to what he/she has to say before adding in your own fantasies. If your partner does not respond, answer the question yourself. It is possible that your partner is simply trying to test the waters to see what an acceptable answer is. Your willingness not only to ask but also to respond will help put your partner at ease and open up the topic for further exploration. If your partner does not engage in this conversation, however, you might want to consider moving the conversation to more familiar sexual ground. Remember that conversation is vital - the bottom line is, if you can't talk with your partner about what you're doing, then you probably should not be doing it. If your partner isn't ready for your fantasies, be respectful of that and give your partner the opportunity to direct the conversation toward a more comfortable topic.

Something to keep in mind, though, is that your partner likely also has fantasies that might be brought to light by your discussion. Be ready to listen to your partner and respond in a positive way. It will serve both of you better in the long run to keep this dialogue going and admit to any discomfort you may be feeling rather than pretend to be ok just to please your partner. Establish a positive and open method of communication in which each partner can share and also decline any fantasy at will, but in a supportive way. This is probably not an easy topic for either of you, but by approaching it with respect and care you will make the whole conversation easier for both sides.

Once you've had this conversation, chances are you'll want to try some of your fantasies. As always, make sure your partner is comfortable with the situation when you decide to engage in fantasy role play, and establish a "safe word." While a safe word is most commonly used in potentially pain-inducing situations, it's good to have one during any fantasy encounter, especially if this is you and your partner's first time experimenting together. A safe word is a word that you would never normally say in a sexual encounter (for example, cauliflower) that indicates that individual's desire to stop what is happening. Once the safe word is said, it is the other person's duty to stop immediately and, in the case of fantasy, return to the real world. Essentially, it's an escape route in case either individual becomes uncomfortable. If you have any more questions about how to explore your fantasies or how to establish a safe word, feel free to talk to any of the Sexual Health Advisers in the dorms or at McCosh Health Center.