'Prince' wins prize for tolerance
The Daily Princetonian –– which last year pissed off the University, the nation and the world with the Asian-mocking column "Princeton University is racist against me, I mean, nonwhites" by Lian Ji, a rejected applicant for the Class of 2010 –– has been awarded the Princeton Prize in Race Relations. The prize, typically awarded to high school students anxious to bolster their college applications to Princeton and lesser institutions, has been given to the 131st Managing Board of the 'Prince' for "completely and utterly avoiding issues on race or any other major controversy" during 2007.
"Goddamn it," an unnamed former 'Prince' editor-in-chief who later agreed to be identified as Chikaka Panda '07 said. "We got all this crap for our brilliant, well-researched column and then these kids come in and publish 134 issues of garbage and don't get flack from anyone about racial insensitivity. Instead, they won a friggin' award! What the hell!"
Current editor-in-chief Kaweeeeeeeeeeta Sunny '08 said she appreciated winning the prize. "We tried really hard to make sure that we treated all races –– even those of people in our newsroom and the people we've shagged –– fairly, equitably and with political correctness."
Nassau Weekly ends production
It's not like they published anywhere close to weekly, anyway. Try doing this five days a week, 24 weeks a year, plus three days a week during reading period and exams. You suck.
Evidence proves slogan wrong
It's a week without showers, soap and mattresses, but during the first week of September each year, the motto "no action on Outdoor Action" has been proven wrong again and again in the Berkshires and Shenandoahs. Scores of freshmen have been known to get it on with each other and their upperclass trip leaders.
"I thought my leader was so hot that I had to hook up with him right there in the middle of the forest, stinking of GORP and sweat," one freshman girl said, requesting anonymity because she is embarrassed by how "totally unhot" she now thinks her leader is. "For a second, as we were pulling off each others' long underwear and zipping our sleeping bags together, we were sort of like 'no action on Outdoor Action' but then we were like, whatever, this is fun. I guess it was."
Cliff Zete '08, who hooked up with his OA leader, then a senior, as a freshman said it was "completely the best thing to do. Hiking 10 miles a day was awful, but getting a little action every night and when we went swimming in a lake was every freshman dude's wet dream."
OA director Rick Curtis '79 defended the slogan which, he admits, he created. "We don't want there to be action on OA, but if there is it should be safe," he said. "That's why we include two dozen condoms in every first aid kit. More in groups with lots of hot freshman girls."
Shields '87 to teach at Wilson School
Actress Brooke Shields '87 is set to become the University's latest celebrity professor next year, when she will begin a semester-long stint as a visiting faculty member at the Wilson School. The "Blue Lagoon" star and former "Vogue" cover girl will teach a course on conflict resolution, tentatively titled "Special Topics In Public Affairs: Sticking It To Tom Cruise: A 21st-Century Approach to Crazy Scientologists and How Not to Let Them Get Your Goat."
Shields, who also starred in the NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan" and has made appearances on "That '70's Show," sparked controversy as a teenager when she appeared in controversial ads for Calvin Klein jeans, which featured the tagline "Do you wanna know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." A spokeswoman for the actress emphasized that Shields would be "appropriately attired" in the lecture hall, much to the disappointment of the 173 male undergraduates who are already planning to enroll in her course.
Bunnies and squirrels to face off in battle to the death
They may be the two most common nonhuman species on campus, but officials from the bunny and squirrel factions at the University said yesterday that there's only room enough for one kind of furry critter in these parts.
"I'm gonna give them bunny rabbits the scare of their lives and teach them they picked the wrong Ivy League hangout," said Abe McAcorn, the leader of the Union of Bushy-Tailed Campus Critters – Princeton Chapter, wielding a switchblade menacingly and adjusting his mini-sized black leather jacket. Kit Cottontail, who heads the League of Free Bunnies, offered equally tough talk, warning that he and his minions would "twist those squirrels' tails into knots and smash their acorns into a bunch of useless mush."
Public Safety director Steven Healy said he and his officers are monitoring the situation and will intervene if any "violent incidents of animal-on-animal assault occur on campus."
University opens inconvenience store on third floor of U-Store
Continuing its ongoing efforts to keep a closer eye on students' health and safety, the University has opened an inconvenience store on the third floor of the old U-Store building. The store — which offers Hostess cakes, bags of candy and other teeth-rotting foods — is safely hidden away from students who feel a sudden late-night craving for sugar, thus safeguarding undergraduates' dental health.
"Between the fact that half of students don't know the store is there and the fact that getting there requires hiking up three flights of stairs, we're confident that this inconvenience store serves students' best interest by dissuading them from ever going there," Vice President for Campus Life Janet Dickerson said.
"Poor dears," she added. "They're complaining about it, but they don't know what's good for them." This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.
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