Hackers revise alcohol policy

In a shocking security breach of the University's electronic network, hackers replaced the controversial RCA Alcohol Policy with a fresh set of guidelines last night. The new rules assign residential college advisers the primary job of promoting proper enjoyment of alcohol and bestow them with expansive privileges.

"An adviser must intervene immediately in situations where underage students are drinking alone in their rooms," states one guideline. "The only acceptable way to consume alcohol is excessively, and this is done best through drinking games. Instructions for teaching Robo to oblivious freshmen follow."

How the policy was changed remains a mystery, as University administrators are still scratching their heads as to who would commit such a heinous act.

"Somebody hacked into Dean Deignan's H: Drive and replaced the document," said Dean Dunne, the official University Homeboy unknown to anyone besides USG members and student group leaders. "Once it was saved, there was nothing we could do about it. Plus, none of us actually know how to use computers, so we wouldn't know the first thing about how to change it, even if we wanted to."

Other policy guidelines require advisers to provide at least 50 percent of the alcohol consumed at every gathering and to hand out condoms at every study break.

Another clause deals with lame freshman parties. "When faced with such a situation, you should approach the student(s) and inform them that they are in violation of the alcohol policy. You should caution them that if the violation continues, you will have no choice but to obtain more alcohol for them, which may reduce the amount of Hoagie Haven and pizza you will be able to buy for next week's study break."

In addition to the alcohol-related sections, 2000 other clauses were tacked-on to the new guidelines, most of which give broad powers to the 120 or so RCAs who pretend they care about underclassmen. RCAs are now permitted to run gambling rings in New Jersey and are exempted from the Geneva Conventions.

Many students are concerned about how the new alcohol policy could affect them.

"My adviser came to me the other day and asked me to buy him weed. When I asked if that was allowed, he referred me to section 481, article 23 of the policy, which states that any zee who questions their RCA's authority will immediately be sent to live in Butler," said a female Whitman student who requested anonymity. "I mean, I was okay when he started laundering money and asked me to whack Shirley Tilghman, but this is crossing the line. I'm scared for my life. This is not what I signed up for when I said Hannah Montana was my role-model in my college essay." This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.