Fraternities across campus have started to jockey for positions in the 2009 student government. The past year of authoritarian rule under the Alpha Epsilon Pi political machine has proven that Greek rule is cool on campus, or at least a possibility.
Though President Tilghman continues to deny the presence of Greek life at Princeton, the four-year-old Jewish fraternity has seized the top three executive roles in the USG. Rumors that the frat brothers have been smuggling USG social funds to finance holiday parties with kosher hot dogs and chess club mixers has sent the message to frat row that pork barrel is alive at Princeton.
"Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?" said one junior in Kappa Alpha, who has a miniature statue of politics professor Robert George on his bed stand.
A Beta senior described the stakes of the USG election in different terms. "It's about living the dream. I want free brewskis for all ... and maybe the legalization of hazing."
Possible candidates said their drinking records and mediocre GPAs will not be a factor in the upcoming race, as they were still able to lock down jobs on Wall Street for next year. No indiscretion is a campaign killer after AEPI brother and USG president Robert Duke Biederman gained notoriety last year after he admitted to watching a frat brother burn a dead squirrel carcass.
A Pi Kappa Alpha sophomore plans to burn an effigy of Dean Malkiel's dog Skipper this fall to one-up Biederman. He said he will draw the line at animate objects because of his respect for animal life.
The candidates agree that they are campaigning for recognition at a university that would rather see them disappear. In addition, they think gaining representation in the USG might help them gain appreciation from national chapters.
"We are an oppressed group at Princeton," said a Sigma Alpha Epsilon freshman pledge. "But somebody needs to run the party scene on campus. We don't want to become the University of Chicago where fun goes to die."
Among the pledge's list of fun things to do were: drinking Natty Light out of a trash can, making midnight runs to Hoagie Haven to feed his frat brothers and social climbing in the tap room of Ivy Club.
He said campus would be a better place if more students could learn the "lessons of brotherhood" that he has gained over the past semester, such as skinny-dipping in the golf course water hazards behind Forbes or in Carnegie Lake. "The E. coli isn't that bad," he added.
Each fraternity is trying to stand out with a distinct platform:
The Pikes promise to replace Cane Spree with a campus-wide Robo tournament. Their movement began after notice that Tiger Inn's taproom may be closed indefinitely because of harassment by the Borough police.
The KAs are still reeling from the defeat of their beloved brother Grant Gittlin to AEPI's Biederman. They say they will institute a mandatory dress code of sport coat and tie for all lectures and sporting events.
The SAEs plan to promote racial and socioeconomic diversity on campus. They will offer free tutorial sessions to incoming freshmen on how to make it on Wall Street.
The Betas will give out free drinks at football games to attract more fans. They promise to bring an Ivy League championship back to Princeton if elected.
The Zetes plan to throw at least three "endless summer" parties during the year, equipped with kegs of sand and Hooters girls donned in bikinis.
The Chi Phis say they will outfit the Cannon Club with a two-floor tap room filled with barrels of Beast.
The Dekes promise to legalize marijuana use on campus.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.
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