Besting Harvard and Yale, U. to go free

Taking a dramatic step toward once again besting Harvard and Yale, the University is to announce today that it is literally going free, eliminating tuition, room and board costs for all undergraduates beginning in the fall semester.

"Eliminating all expenses of undergraduate study is the greatest thing we could do to attract students from diverse backgrounds to Princeton," President Tilghman said yesterday in an interview. "Rather than attempting to make our financial aid packages slightly more favorable than those of our peer institutions, we've decided to go even further to make attainable the finest undergraduate education in the world. There is nothing more noble than a topnotch free education and we have made just that a reality."

The announcement comes just two days after Yale launched its aid program, which limits the tuition paid by families earning between $120,000 and $200,000 to 10 percent of their annual incomes. The Yale policy bests the one announced by Harvard in December, which limits the parental contribution to 10 percent for families earning under $180,000.

Increased endowment spending will cover the costs of four years –– or more –– at the University. Vice President and Secretary Bob Durkee '69 said annual expenditures will be well over the five percent recommendation that Congress has been debating for months. "We're totally gonna beat those political fools at their own game," he said.

But going free is a major departure from administrators' previous statements. Tilghman told the Wall Street Journal in July 2006 that eliminating tuition is "the wrong economic model."

She added, "It would be a misallocation of our resources. For those who can afford to pay, a Princeton education is one of the best investments you can make in your child's future."

In an interview in September 2006, Durkee said that eliminating tuition, which totals 22 percent of the University's annual budget, would be detrimental to the quality of undergraduate education. "Removing those dollars from the budget would very significantly reduce the quality of the education we can offer our students."

William Gleeful Clarke '08 said that his a cappella group, the Nassoons, had long predicted a free Princeton. "All of your worries go away! President Tilghman, she foots the bill 'mon, Princeton is free!"

The decision to "go free" comes two years after The Daily Princetonian did the same. Completely free college educations for all students are available at the U.S. service academies and at hipster art schools like Cooper Union in New York.

But Princeton is the first institution with a sizeable population of upper-middle class and flat-out rich families to take the plunge to freedom. In the Journal interview, Tilghman said that she was "not sure" that she "could justify the use of our resources to make free something that I know roughly half the class can afford."

Now Tilghman has changed her mind. "The hell with it," she said. "Why not go free? It's the best way to beat Harvard and Yale at their own game. Especially Harvard. I hate them."

Nonetheless, the rich half —as well as the poor half –– of the student body will get a free ride to the University.

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J. Tarlington "Muffy" Rothschild de Beers '10 said she will probably use the $40,000 on "shoes, pastel polos and lots of pretty, frilly things." Meathead McGruff '09 plans to spend his tuition money on "a crapton of beer."

Tilghman, for her part, is excited about the future. "Harvard will never be able to do this," she said. "Per student, they are way poorer than us. They only care about grad students. They hate puppies and kitty cats and eat babies. We win."

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.