It was Monday night, and I was in a parallel universe. In front of me, Huckabee and McCain were sitting comfortably between Obama and Edwards. And there was Hillary to Edwards' left.
The five presidential hopefuls sat around one table, shoulder to shoulder, as they debated policy and issues. It was an unprecedented bipartisan primary debate. It was also unprecedented because Hillary was a man. No, seriously. She was actually Philip Levitz '08.
And McCain? He was actually Rob Bernstein '08.
In fact, all five candidates, it turns out, were just University students pretending to be the right-wing/left-wing nut job of his choice.
Mathey College sponsored a presidential primary debate in its common room Monday night, with Newsweek Assistant Managing Editor and visiting professor Evan Thomas as the moderator. Conspicuously absent from all this, however, were Romney and Giuliani. Apparently, the organizers couldn't find anyone to represent them. Bad omen?
"I am not Wolf Blitzer," Thomas joked in his introduction.
No, he wasn't. I would have said Anderson Cooper, actually. They both have gray hair.
"You are free to interrupt each other, as long as you do it in a civil way," Thomas informed the participants.
Wow, I thought. This was going to be crazy, if not an outright political brawl.
Jason Anton '10, who was representing Obama, made his opening statement.
"It's been a very, very painful seven years for our party and our country," he said. "America has become cynical. I think I can bring back hope back to America."
Wait, so these guys weren't here to speak on behalf of their candidates. They were here to channel them.
If that was the case, I would have to judge just how good they were at channeling their respective politicians.
Anton was off to a good start. All of his "hope" and "change" rhetoric seemed right on the dot, except for his intense gesticulations. Obama would never gesture so aggressively.
Next up was Johnny Love '09 as Huckabee, and I was so excited. But then Love began speaking about healthcare and education, and I wasn't so excited anymore. Each time he spoke, I became sadder and sadder. Why wouldn't he talk about the issue everyone in the audience was waiting for? Chuck Norris' endorsement! We all know Huckabee's surge in the polls has a 100 percent correlation with that crazy ad with Chuck Norris jokes. But Love did do a good job emulating Huckabee's mild-mannered folksiness. Oh, and his crazy Southern Baptism. Huckabee/Love reaffirmed once again his rejection of evolution.
"McCain" stood up next, and I was already scared; Bernstein seemed serious and somber.
"Which of the candidates in front of you have the experience, knowledge and judgment to be president from day one?" he asked, implying that there could only be one, obvious, correct answer.
Edwards was next, and from the start, David Korn '08 seemed to embody Edwards perfectly. He was smooth like a trial lawyer. And he had good hair (maybe it cost $400, too?).
"But if we trade our insiders for their insiders, nothing is going to change," Korn said, mimicking Edwards' populist spiel.
Finally Hillary stepped up, but I never really got into her. It was probably because Levitz wasn't wearing a pantsuit.
I must credit him, however, on imitating Hillary pretty decently. Nearly every policy issue of hers was described as "comprehensive." Even more to his credit, it turns out he and Hillary are both from Chappaqua, N.Y. But where was her hearty laugh?
"Public service has always been an interest of mine," he said.
Somewhat interesting and noncontroversial, just the way she likes it!
Overall, it seemed that everyone on stage did a surprisingly good job of not only imitating their candidate's mannerisms, but also their key catchphrases.
But in the end, the best candidate stand-in was probably Bernstein/McCain. At one point in the debate, after Edwards advocated for a quick withdrawal from Iraq, Bernstein shot up from his seat, stared down Edwards, and said, "With all due respect, I was just over in Iraq last week!"
"I spent my Thanksgiving break in Iraq, and they are asking me to ask for the resources to continue fighting," he said, jabbing his index finger onto the table.
McCain's famed temper? Check. Holier-than-thou tone regarding defense issues? Check. Constant downward finger thrusts? Check.
Korn was a close second in channeling his candidate. Unfortunately, he failed to mention the phrase "son of a mill worker" during the debate. Minus one million points.
But McCain wasn't flawless, either. Towards the end, he said, "There aren't two Americas. There is one America."
Sorry, Sen. McCain, but I do believe that is Sen. Obama's line. But then again, you are 71 years old.
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