Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

My roommate has recently started hooking up with someone, and for the first time my room is faced with a strange conundrum: How exactly do we deal with this? I was wondering if you had any suggestions to avoid late-night awkwardness and, of course, the dreaded sexiling. Thanks!

— Future Sexile?

Dear Future Sexile?,

Welcome to the wonderful world of college diplomacy! One of the many joys of having a roommate is having to cope with his or her sexual partners. There is no hard and fast list of rules that can be used in this situation, save one: Talk to your roommate(s). It may be that your roommate has not even considered the possibility that there might be awkwardness when bringing a partner back to the room.

In the spirit of aiding in this potentially hazardous discussion, here are a few tactics that students have used successfully in the past, in no particular order:

1. The Roommate Contract — While this does not have to be a formal piece of paper signed by everyone in the room, it can't hurt to have proof more tangible than "he said, she said," should push come to shove. Often, these so-called contracts address more issues than simply those concerning visiting sexual partners, but if this is the only problem you see on the horizon, then feel free to focus just on that. In this contract, you and your roommate can specify as much or as little as you like, but more is more for both of you (and remember, you are bound to the rules as well). For example, a guideline could specify that each roommate can only have visitors a certain number of times a week or on certain days, or that a period of warning must be given before such a visit occurs. Other guidelines could describe how that warning should be transmitted, (e.g., by phone call or text message), how long each visit can last or at what point can the sexiled roommate come back in and ask to reoccupy the room.

2. The Sock On The Door — While this is not an official term, it is more of a recognition of a well-known phenomenon — a symbolic item placed in full view so that the other roommate knows that a visitor is within. The sock on the handle is a traditional method (the theory being that anybody will notice if the door knob is covered with a sock) though there are others — different color cards, sheets or really anything nearby.

3. Spatial Relations — This is more of an option for rooming situations in which there is a common room attached to the bedrooms. Some people choose to put a futon in the common room just in case. The futon, too, can work both ways. Either the roommate without the guest can sleep on the futon, leaving the bedroom to the couple, or the couple can stay on the futon in the common room. The second is an interesting solution; it forces the couple to go to bed after everyone else and to get up before everyone else so as to avoid any awkward early morning half-dressed encounters. While some consider this method mean, others consider it a fair trade — "you brought a partner home, so you have to accommodate the comfort level of your other roommates."

These are just three options picked from countless choices. Whatever you choose, remember to talk it over with your roommate(s) so that everyone feels heard and no one feels hurt or uncomfortable. Other than that, Happy Visiting!

— Sexpert

"Sexpert" is written by a team of peer sexual health educaters and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions, to be published anonymously every Thursday, to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!