Credit where it's due

"Though your Whitman College is done There's still changes in the air Won't you please come up to Wall Street You can teach us what is fair. We can chaaaaange the world...." - Credit, Suisse, First & Boston

Shirley Tilghman and Nancy Malkiel:Wall Street desperately needs you.

In the dull days of August, when there's usually about as much activity in the markets as one might find at Campus Club on a Thursday night, the country's finest financial minds were jolted out of their summer slumber. The cause: Apparently we'd lost the ability to determine who was worthy of our credit and who was worthy of our suspicion. So the market gave none of the former to anyone and an overdose of the latter to everyone.

The same institutions that had been lending to every Wal-Mart shopper who could cobble together a downpayment and glaze over the words "exploding balloon payment" stopped lending to Joe Blow. Then they stopped lending to each other, which must have made for some awkward squash matches. Say, Chuck, can you spot me a yard? Gosh, Stan, I think I left my wallet at the office ... but I hear the discount window is now open late, kind of like Wendy's.

When the short-term debt market seized up like Miss South Carolina doing open mic night at the Brookings Institute (she thought she was filming an ad for the Ponds Institute — pool, pond, brook, what's the difference?), I found myself getting minute-to-minute color from a Cottage alum whose previous claim to fame had been his fastball. Boy, did this guy deserve credit for riding out the worst of the markets, in his first year no less!

Then I realized that we'd been giving credit to all the wrong people, while never giving credit to those who'd really earned it. And who were the first people to propagate this idea? They're the ones who really deserve credit: Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel (runner up for the 2005 Best Malkiel Award) and President Tilghman. Forget the 85; there are only two broads that Wall Street needs right now. Help us — you're our only hope.

Specifically, we need you to pay a visit to Standard and Poor's, Moody's and Fitch. Somebody there needs an education in how to identify A-level work when they see it (and especially AAA-level work). As it turns out, a lot of BS is being masked by clever writing, turning a Bidea into an A paper. Believe me, I'm an expert in the field.

For those of you unfamiliar with the University's dynamic duo, you should know they struck out on a bold mission to combat "grade inflation," swimming against a tide of unpopular sentiment to restore the sort of academic integrity which was being frittered away by the likes of Harvard (more A's per undergraduate than the Oakland cast of characters in "Moneyball") and Brown (grades interfere with liberty, equality and ultimate Frisbee). From these very pages I accused them of waging a War on Fun — and it was war indeed, at least for the time, and not without casualties.

But like the Allied forces of Operation Paperclip, I came to recognize that the potent weapons of my old foe might be of further use to my cause in a struggle against a greater enemy: unemployment. There can be no liquids in my life without liquidity, nor trading without trust. Words like duty, honor, bender, bicker and AAA can never lose their meaning if we are to persevere. Nancy: You are my Werhner von Braun. Shirley: May I call you Strangelove?

I can see it all so clearly. New policies shall take effect immediately. No more than 35 percent of newly issued debt shall carry an A rating, and only 55 percent of the "senior independent" tranche can be designated as A-worthy. Restore our trust in the system, oh mavens, so that we can continue to pool, slice, structure and square without destroying the very thing we mean to save: mainly, our bonuses.

In fact, madams President and Dean, I encourage you to take up permanent residence with Princeton's own Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke (please explain inflation to him again) until the whole storm has passed. I'll even pay for your tickets up to New York — and will wave joyously as our express trains pass each other someplace by Rahway Prison. I'm going back to Old Nassau to put my eating club on tap. Let me know when you've got this whole sub-prime mess sorted. Powell Fraser '06 sells equity derivatives on international stocks and indices for an investment bank. He doesn't give two hoots about the credit market and can be reached at powell.fraser@gmail.com.