Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. We have great sex, but I can't help feeling like we're just not doing something right. I feel like I'm not getting the full experience .

Sometimes when we have sex, it feels like I'm almost faking it for him. I'll be turned on, but not really feeling anything. When he does things that should physically stimulate me, they feel good the way that tickling feels good, and my natural reaction is to push him away. Sometimes I can't help but to moan, "Stop, stop," and push his hand off. This probably confuses him, and it confuses me too.

What's wrong with me? Why don't I enjoy the things that I should physically enjoy as a female? I have seen videos of female ejaculation and can see their euphoric response to it, and that is something I desperately want to experience for myself. I just don't know how to get there.

Are there any tips I could give my boyfriend so that I can experience this wonderful mystery? — Left Out

Dear Left Out,

First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many women have trouble reaching climax, so you are not alone. This does not mean that the female orgasm is in any way impossible, however, no matter the myth that it is in some way "mysterious."

Some of the most important factors in achieving the female orgasm are (1) knowing what turns you on, and (2) being able to talk openly with your partner about what you like and don't like. This may sound scary, but the best way to help someone else learn how to turn you on is to know how to do it yourself. Spend some time with yourself. Discover your clitoris, the center of female pleasure. There are more nerve endings, and thus points for pleasure, in this tiny little knob of skin than in the entire male penis. Girls have got it pretty darn good. But some people find it hard to locate the clitoris. So spend some time in a private place (your bedroom, the bathroom, the shower) and find it with your hand, using a mirror if you need it.

Once you have discovered your clitoris, try and figure out how you like to be touched. Your partner can help you with this; just be sure to keep an open dialogue going. Do not be afraid to say such specific things as "You're not in the right place," and then show your partner where the right place for you is. While being stimulated, give direction such as "harder," "softer," "faster" or "slower." Don't be afraid to tell your partner when he or she has lost the right place, and then help him or her get back on track.

To get more specific, you mentioned that sometimes manual stimulation was not fully pleasurable to you. You might consider using lubricant, because the "tickling" sensation might be a cause of friction that does not necessarily feel so good. Lubricant can help this. Also, trying different types of stimulation in the same session of foreplay can be helpful in reaching the female orgasm. If manual stimulation just is not enough, suggest cunnilingus as another option.

Many women have found great success with oral sex for stimulation, but remember to use protection. Lubricant can be used here too; when placed on the side of the dental dam that will be next to the vagina and clitoris it can prevent friction and increase sensation for both partners.

At the end of the day, it's important to be attuned to your body and what feels good for you. If it feels good, keep doing it. If not, then stop and try something else. There is no saying that something that feels great one day is going to work for you tomorrow. But don't give up. I'm sure that your partner wants you to experience the pleasure of orgasm just as much as you do, so consider this a joint venture. Try new techniques and positions (you can go online, buy a book or use your imagination). Don't let your nervousness make you tense and overly focused on "achieving the orgasm."

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Sometimes the best experiences happen by chance. Above all, enjoy yourself, and I have every faith that soon you too will know the joy of the female orgasm. — The Sexpert

"Sexpert" is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions, to be published anonymously every Thursday, to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!