Mama, take this prox off me, I can't swipe it anymore. It's getting dark on Level C, And I'm knocking on Firestone's door..."
— Bob Dylan, "Knockin' on Firestone's Door," 1972.
Oh, my little Langoliers, slaving away at independent work during weather as nice as last weekend's is as absurd as Flava Flav not knowing what time it is, the soul-sucking equivalent of backing up over a severe tire-damage strip. Fortunately for productivity, around an inch of rain is expected today, temporarily grounding Princeton's Frisbees, while Frisbee delays at Newark Liberty International Airport are projected to be four to six hours. After late Saturday, however, another warming and drying trend hits the Northeast. In fact, by Monday, it will be warm and sunny enough that if this were 1992, you could get a watch tan from your "Eerie, Indiana" slap bracelet. Of course, you could still do that now, provided you're cool enough to wear slap bracelets ... and like me, have an undeniable passion for "Eerie, Indiana" to share with the world.
Why has recent weather been so hot? While many climatologists spew nonsense about thermohaline flux, ozone refraction or boron intrusion, I would like to propose a simple alternate theory: It's hot because it's fly, whereas, lamentably, you ain't 'cause you not. N.B.: Weather Fans, flyness positively correlates to hotness, with an r-squared value of 0.999, as Mims et al. conclusively demonstrate in their groundbreaking 2007 work, "Resolving the Hot/Fly Feedback Loop: A Tautological Synthesis." Incidentally, this paper requires complete reassessment of global warming data; rather than being driven by greenhouse forcing, it simply reflects a broad-based longterm trend of rising flyness among playas since the late 19th century. (p.s. ExxonMobil, that will be $10,000, and don't insult me by not paying in gold bullion. Y'all know better than that. Please.)
What else is hot?
This is a complete list of things that are hot.
What's that, Mr. Peabody? Space limits? In closing, here's some advice on padding your independent work from rock-and-roll poet laureate Bob Dylan: "Got to finish this JP, But I can't obfuscate no more. I'll make the margins 1.3 Block quote a source, or maybe four... Knock, knock, knocking on Firestone's door, Knocking on Firestone's door."
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