There's been a lot of debate in this newspaper over whom Gary Walters '67 should choose as the next head coach of the men's basketball team; should it be an assistant coach at Princeton nobody has ever heard of, an assistant coach at Georgetown that no one has ever heard of or a coach somewhere else that no one has ever heard of? Regardless of where the next coach that no one has ever heard of comes from, it seems to be the consensus that our basketball team's next fearless leader should be a Princeton alum, and I agree. If I've learned anything at Princeton, it's that loyalty and connections are more important than ability and qualifications.
So I've compiled a somewhat unconventional list of candidates for the coaching position — some names that haven't been mentioned yet. Indeed, the list is nontraditional: Many of these candidates have never coached basketball; some have never watched a game; some don't even know what a basketball looks like. But all of them could bring something unique to the basketball team that a so-called "expert" couldn't. So without further ado, I humbly submit these names for consideration for the head coach of the men's basketball team:
Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel
Pros: Has a definite game plan. Would encourage her players to make only 35 percent of their shots in the hope that their opponents would follow our lead and also only make 35 percent of their shots, or less.
Cons: No other teams will follow this example because it's nonsense.
Anne-Marie Slaughter '80
Pros: An incredible leader, articulate speaker and brilliant strategist; could attract important figures in modern professional basketball to speak to the team.
Cons: Slaughter has commitments through 2012. In 2007, she will be on sabbatical in China, while the other five years, she will be on sabbatical kissing to to Condoleezza Rice.
Bill Frist '74
Pros: High-profile coach would bring attention to the program; his easy charisma would help motivate players during both the recruiting and game season.
Cons: Too afraid to coach any college sport because of the risk of catching AIDS if one of his players sweats on him.
Daniel Radcliffe '11 ('12? '13? '29?)
Pros: Would be a valuable asset and could be the latest in the youth movement among NCAA basketball coaches. Has expressed interest in coaching, but maybe he hasn't, but we think he might have, but also he might not have, but my really good friend knows this guy who knows him who says he's leaning towards maybe coming.
Cons: As we all know, the transition from "naked horse play actor" to "basketball coach" is rarely, if ever, successfully completed.
Alex Lenahan '07
Pros: Also has a definite game plan. Focuses on one thing: improving upon last season's 67 percent gree throw shotting. All he does all off-season is make every team member practice free throws, all practice long. They practice nothing else. He preaches the philosophy of shooting a higher free throw percentage, that by improving the free throw percentage, the team will be better off overall.
Cons: The free throw percentage doesn't improve, perhaps even goes down. The team loses just as many games as they did last year. At the end of the season, Lenahan sends a 7,000 word email to the student body proclaiming the season a success and a definite step in the right direction.
Rob Biederman '08
Pros: A confident leader, an imaginative thinker, an impressive presence, an articulate speaker, an approachable person, an informative writer, an accountable authority.
Cons: He killed a squirrel.
Donald Rumsfeld '54
Pros: Known for his no-nonsense attitude, would whip the team into shape. Is a fundamentalist: would work on dribbling, chest passes and better ball protection. Also, would firebomb the opposing team's locker room an hour before tipoff, just in case.
Cons: Some would say that firebombing the opposing team's locker room is "aggressive" or "against the law," but, hey — they were about to beat us in basketball. Something had to be done.
All hail Coach Rumsfeld and the new and improved Princeton Offens(iv)e. Jason O. Gilbert is a sophomore from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.
Read More
It’s time to step it up on diversity and inclusion
Christofer RoblesOver the last five years, Princeton never achieved parity in diversity and inclusion for Black students. Now, the University faces a conservative culture and federal government hostile to anti-racism. Now, more than ever, Princeton cannot abandon its students.
Over the last five years, Princeton never achieved parity in diversity and inclusion for Black students. Now, the University faces a conservative culture and federal government hostile to anti-racism. Now, more than ever, Princeton cannot abandon its students.
Class of 2029: Reject selective views of free speech
Charlie Yale and Siyeon Lee"Let us make an appeal to the entire Class of 2029: You can care about viewpoint diversity and free expression even if you don’t read the Tory. As liberals and progressives, you can understand that free speech is an issue that affects everyone."
"Let us make an appeal to the entire Class of 2029: You can care about viewpoint diversity and free expression even if you don’t read the Tory. As liberals and progressives, you can understand that free speech is an issue that affects everyone."
For a more effective USG, train newly elected members on the bureaucracy
Luqmaan BambaFor student representatives to make the change we can through the systems we have, we need a more onboarding process that prepares us to navigate these byzantine processes.
For student representatives to make the change we can through the systems we have, we need a more onboarding process that prepares us to navigate these byzantine processes.