The news, for dummies

COLUMN HIGHLIGHTS

- CNN.com now offers bulleted "story highlights" that sum up articles in three sentences.

- People who hate to read and lazy people everywhere rejoice.

- Your grandpa's rant about how lazy kids are today sees a 20 percent increase in validity.

CNN.com, in its ongoing battle against the International Reading Association, has added "story highlights" to the beginning of all of its news stories, which sum up the story for the reader in three short sentences. But you already knew that, because it's in my "Column Highlights." Let me start over.

CNN.com, in its ongoing battle against adult literacy, in addition to having half of its content in video form, has now also put article synopses or "Story Highlights" at the top of all of its news stories; unfortunately for CNN.com, there is no Pulitzer Prize awarded for "Being the Laziest News Outlet Ever," so their change only benefits people who hate to read and lazy people everywhere. But you already knew all that also because it's in my "Column Highlights." Let me try again.

CNN.com is killing journalism. Killing it. It's got "Story Highlights"; it's got tons of video content. It is killing journalism. It is driving from Houston to Orlando with rubber tubing in the trunk, and it is wearing adult diapers, and it is going to kill journalism; it is not going to stop for anything ... unless it sees a squirrel that looks like a celebrity on the side of the road. Then it will film the squirrel and put the squirrel on its website, under "Top Stories." Headline: "Mississippi Squirrel Looks Like Dad from 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.' " It will be the most viewed story of the week. But otherwise, barring a squirrel that looks like Mr. Cooper: straight to Orlando to kill journalism.

The videos were inevitable; there was certainly a public outcry to see a girl stacking and unstacking 12 cups in 5.3 seconds (an actual video from last week), and CNN.com delivered. Bravo. But who was demanding "Story Highlights"? Who wins in this proposition?

The loser is clear: the journalist. It is as if CNN.com's editors are saying to its journalists, "Look, we know you spent hours, perhaps days, researching, writing, rewriting and editing this article for us; anyway, we had some intern skim it and write up a quick summary during his lunch break, and we're going to go with that first. So, thanks for the field reporting, but we're going to go with the intern's stuff on top. Check's in the mail."

But the winners of "Story Highlights" are just as clear. First, lazy people of America rejoice: Your online news source is here. If you read the CliffsNotes version of "The Tell-Tale Heart," take a gander at CNN.com; you'll love it. Was the 194-word article about John Ratzenberger joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars" just too long and wordy? Check out the 29-word "Story Highlights" version at the top of the page. The "Story Highlights" compresses the facts, fluff and complete and utter lack of newsworthiness of the original story into just a sixth of the words. Honestly, who has the time in these hustle and bustle times of ours to read 165 extra words that probably just substantiate or enrich the story? I know I don't.

But it isn't just the incredibly lazy that benefit from CNN.com's assault on journalism; if you hate to read, add CNN.com to your favorites. Granted, if you hate to read, you are probably watching CNN Headline News (or, let's be honest, Fox News); but even Headline News and Fox News have to go to commercial eventually (I think). So head on over to CNN.com, where you can read three sentences about Iraq, maybe four sentences about the latest natural disaster, and then call it a day. I mean, sure, 80 people were killed in a roadside bombing in Baghdad; but did you see that Mr. Cooper squirrel? Now that's news. Jason O. Gilbert is a sophomore from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.