My my hey hey, Weather Fans, is it hard to work with spring breaking out or what? With this weekend's highs staying strong in the mid 60s and only a slight chance of showers on Sunday, I'm particularly empathetic with you seniors out there. But why stress? I think as long as you don't wind up on the list of Princeton's worst theses ever, that's a win in my book. Fortunately, I've reproduced what you're up against below:
5. "Pinpointing the Cretaceous Mass Extinction Event Using Delicious Snack Foods," Wayne Arnold, Geosciences, 1989: Arnold's bafflingly counterfactual work attempted to date the fifth great extinction by comparing Bagel Bites concentrations in adjacent sediments, completely neglecting that when pizza is on a bagel, it can be pizza anytime.
4. "Distributed Care Hierarchies as New Century Legislative Norms," Bill Frist, Woody Woo, 1974: In a remarkably prescient position paper, Frist envisions the practice of medicine entirely from the floor of major deliberative bodies via closed-circuit television. Narrowly beats out "Thesis, Are You Joking Me? Can I Have Some Money Now?" by son Harrison Frist '06.
3. "Quantifying Phlogiston/Ether Interactions: A Phrenological Synthesis," Phineas K. Knickerbocker, physics, 1888: While stunningly anachronistic by modern standards, Knickerbocker's paper was actually a notable advance over extant cosmologies, most of which involved matter and energy being carried on the backs of turtles (all the way down).
2. "Kitchen Volcano," Dwight Hulster, economics, 1951: While the star tailback's patented Tuscaloosa Triple Shuffle has Ivy League defenses falling out of their crudely hewn leather cleats all season, Hulster overlooks the thesis requirement until three hours before the paper is due. Two pounds of baking soda, a gallon of white vinegar and red food coloring, and a hand-lettered tri-fold board titled "Incredable Volcano Erupts Real Lava!!" later, a Princeton legend is born.
1. "An Incomprehensible Approach to Filing Library Materials," Horace Bookman, library science, 1947: Unsatisfied with intuitive classification, Bookman's new methodology incorporates not only standard alphanumerics, but Sanskrit wedges and the full set of Zeppelin runes for reasons no one but Bookman and a talking ferret named Chet only he can see understand. Supposedly, Bookman's ghost still roams C-Floor, unable to locate critical reference materials filed somewhere between PSQX-999.purple578B and SQZ78Aardvark.8989.
In conclusion, you can do it seniors! And if all else fails, no one has soaked a tooth in Coke as a thesis since '77, just sayin'.
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