Like Ted Stevens earmarking $400 million for a Bridge to Terabithia, this week's weather has been completely inappropriate. With highs almost twenty degrees above average, you can be sure that cold weather is soon to engineer a comeback, which may or may not be produced by Rick Rubin. And indeed, one is imminent; after a very rainy and mild day tomorrow, high winds will sweep in much colder air by Saturday, with a chance of flurries late in the weekend. Continued cold is in store for next week, with low temperatures approaching that of Walt Disney's frozen head.
Of course, for the longterm forecast, I have an ace up my sleeve: much like the protagonist of the short-lived, yet charming CBS drama Early Edition, I am privy to all forthcoming editions of the Prince for the next half-century, and I'm here to tell you, the future is a harsh realm. Lee Greenwood masterminds a series of spectacular terrorist attacks. The Colbert Report now consists exclusively of 22 minutes of wild applause from the studio audience. However, on the bright side, comic sans has been outlawed, with remaining printed matter in this font buried deep below Yucca Mountain. Anyhow, here's just some of what's in store for our beloved corner of the Garden State over the next 25 years!
— Following the Sino-Iranian War of 2019, public policy and ORFE concentrations are discontinued in favor of majors in subsistence farming and metallurgy.
— The student-administered Honor Code has been supplanted by shrill CNN Headline News personality Nancy Grace, because much like the current Honor Committee, Grace knows you're born guilty, you plagiarizing cretin.
— The Facebook Neural Transmitter, mandatory for freshman, posts a live transcript of your internal monologue online. As a result, no one has any friends.
— Continuing the decades-old Bad Taste Concert Series, the USG-sponsored Houseparties show in features RapBot 9000, whose ability to spout profanity and territorial boasting at thirteen teraflops rendered manual rappers obsolete in the early 20's.
— Princeton's motto officially changed from "Dei sub numine viget" to "Over the next few weeks, the Fitness Center staff will be performing random checks of student IDs."
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‘A brilliant young contemporary writer and a beautiful human being’: Remembering Lauren Blackburn ’26
Victoria Davies and Caitlyn TabladaBlackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
Blackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
GSG approves audit, delays budget approval after ‘insufferable’ meeting
Nikki HanThe final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
The final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
Effort to restore chapel’s pews slowly progresses
Ben GoldstonHead carpenter Jim Sullivan has been restoring the Chapel pews over the last year. The dry atmosphere of the Chapel has warped the wooden pews over the years.
Head carpenter Jim Sullivan has been restoring the Chapel pews over the last year. The dry atmosphere of the Chapel has warped the wooden pews over the years.