Dear Sexpert,
I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and we love each other very much. The only problem with our relationship is that he hardly EVER wants to have sex with me (basically only when he wakes up with "morning wood"). I feel like I've tried everything — lingerie, porn, trying to get to him outside the bedroom. I've stopped being subtle and literally tell him, "I want to have sex," but he just doesn't want to. I feel so rejected, and I've told him that. I'm so unhappy; should I just say goodbye?
— Sexiled from Relationship
Dear Sexiled,
You're in a very difficult situation, and it's hard for me to tell you what to do. I'll try to make some suggestions, but in the end, the decision is yours to make.
I would definitely recommend that you first try to get your boyfriend to go to couples counseling with you. Most counselors will offer this option — at Princeton, you can go to Counseling and Psychological Services at University Health Services, on the third floor of McCosh. They can help you talk through your problem and find the root cause for his apparent sex-aversion.
There are a lot of reasons that might be preventing your boyfriend from having sex, and it's important that you not assume you know what they are. For example, he might have some form of erectile dysfunction which makes it intimidating or embarrassing for him to attempt sex when he is not already aroused (hence the morning-wood effect). He might be struggling with intimacy issues, questions of sexuality (or asexuality) a lack of sex drive due to medications he's taking, or is trying to come to terms with his own sexual history. Your sex drives might simply be incompatible.
I don't want you to doubt your feelings for your boyfriend or vice-versa, but it could even be the case that your boyfriend is actually not in love with you anymore. For many people, sex is an expression of love and connection, and if your boyfriend is no longer in love, that might be why he doesn't want to have sex. Communication, respect and intimacy can be as important as sex in a relationship, so I strongly recommend that you talk to each other. Figuring out why he doesn't want to have sex with you will give you a better perspective on what to do.
Hopefully, counseling and communication will help you identify and solve your problems. If you remain unhappy, however, it might be time to part ways, since the relationship isn't working. Even though it may be difficult to break up, no one should stay with someone who makes her feel unhappy, insecure or rejected.
—The Sexpert
Dear Sexpert,
I enjoy hooking up with new people, but I'm worried about getting an STI so I won't take it towards any sort of sex. How safe is naked cuddling or rolling around naked in bed? Can I get an STI from crotch-to-crotch contact that is not insertive?
— STI-Shy
Dear Shy,
It's great that you're concerned about contracting STIs and are taking steps to prevent them.
You should know, however, that the name Sexually Transmitted Infections can at times be a bit misleading. While these infections can be transmitted through sexual intercourse, some of them can also be transmitted through non-"insertive" activities. In particular, the herpes virus and HPV (Human Papillomavirus) can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact during naked cuddling, sometimes even when a condom is being used. Fortunately, condoms and dental dams vastly decrease your risk of getting STIs, since they decrease the amount of skin-to-skin contact that's going on and keep fluids separate, so stick to the latex!
Additionally, a perky penis could produce semen called "pre-ejaculate" during naked play. If this semen comes in contact with the vagina, anus, penis or potentially even an ordinary cut, it can transmit most other STIs such as chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, and even HIV. Obviously, if semen enters the vagina, pregnancy is possible.
Therefore, though naked play or cuddling is a bit safer than sex, you're much better off taking the same precautions as you would for "inserting."
—The Sexpert
"Sexpert" is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions, to be published anonymously every Thursday, to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!
What to know
Though condoms greatly decrease the likelihood of getting Sexually Transmitted Infections, some STIs can be transmitted by skin-to -skin contact, sometimes even when a condom is being used.
Counseling and Psychological Services at University Health Services, on the third floor of McCosh Health Center, offers free couples counseling.
Erectile dysfunction, intimacy issues, questions of sexuality (or asexuality), a lack of sex drive due to medications, or lack of love might be reasons a man might not engage in sex.
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