As college students, most of us don't stay plugged in to which toys are flying off the shelves, but after recent back-to-school trips to Target and Walmart, I feel it's my duty to tell you about the hottest new doll for America's young girls and the winner of the People's Choice Toy of the Year Award — a line of Barbies gone wrong called Bratz. There are Bratz Babyz, Kidz, Triiipletz and Ponyz. In case you didn't pick up on this yet, replacing s's with z's makes words super hip. The sheer horror of these dolls is so intense that I can hardly decide where to begin, so join me on a stroll down the aisle where I will introduce you to some of the characters that are apparently the best role models for today's youth.
The first that caught my eye was a member of the Bratz Ponyz line. This "horse," and I use that word loosely as it looked more like a "mare of the evening," comes complete with a green streak through her mane, sculpted eye brows, a beauty mark and a spray-on tan enhanced by body glitter. She's permanently posed with one front leg up like a saloon girl and her head seductively cocked to the side. Pretty much all that was missing was a speech bubble on the package reading, "Ride me!" I could deal with Barbie's horse having unusually long eyelashes and an unrealistically platinum blonde mane and tail, but we're apparently now one step away from giving toy horses hoop earrings and stiletto horseshoes.
Then I found the Bratz "Twiinz." The packaging print next to these dolls' fishlips reveals that the twins call each other pet names: "Pretty Pup" and "Punk Skunk." Endearing. I always wanted my daughter's playground moniker to be Punk Skunk. I almost feel like I'm missing some dirty innuendo with those names.
The Bratz Boyz were next in the aisle. They rock soul patches, sculpted eyebrows and bowlcuts with buzzes underneath a la Zach Morris circa the big cellphone days. Their boxes say things like, "W'Sup! My name is Cameron! The Bratz call me 'the Blaze' because I'm hot" or "The Bratz call me 'the Panther' because I'm always on the prowl!" How will mothers respond when their little girls ask, "On the prowl for what?"
Every single one of these dolls not only looks like a streetwalker, but also are sold in boxes that pretty blatantly affirmed their lack of sexual inhibition. The only vague exception I found was in the series of sporty dolls. The dolls come with things like skiing outfits, skis and ice-skating costumes, none of which look terribly skanktastic, but the backs of these dolls' boxes shatter any illusion of the wholesomeness of their contents. They read, verbatim, "Stand back 'cuz the Bratz are rockin' their all-time favorite sports — showin' the world that it's not just about how you play but about how hot you look when you win!" After reading this atrocity of a blurb, my friend remarked, "I mean, I guess at least they're encouraging girls to compete."
Sadly, the overwhelming popularity of these lewd dolls has forced Barbie to morph her look just to keep up. Sure, Barbie's 39-23-33-inch measurements weren't doing any good for pre-anorexic little girls, so I fully support making her more real-looking and think it's great that now Barbie appears to have picked up a sandwich and had the implants removed. Her new face, however, looks less realistic than it ever has. "Fab Faces" MyScene Barbie, who I'm pretty sure is supposed to be in her 20s, looks like some freakish version of Donatella Versace with collagen-stuffed lips caked in glitter gloss. Barbie's bright blue eye shadow is now applied all the way up to her eyebrow, and her once tasteful eyeliner now looks like part of an ancient Egyptian costume.
It's pretty unbelievable what sex is used to sell these days, from car insurance to deodorant, but I had hoped it wouldn't, at least not so ridiculously blatantly, be used to sell the toys that shape our children's future personalities and behavior. I vividly remember when my mom wouldn't let me buy a doll that came with a detachable pregnancy bump, a toy baby, maternity and post-pregnancy clothes, and a tiny fake sonogram machine because she thought the mommy doll looked too young. These days, all of our little girls' favorite dolls seem like they're speeding right down Teen Pregnancy Lane. Am I the only one who sees the irony in the fact that the talking Bratz doll who says, "I like learning new things" is also wearing a shirt that says "vamp?" If we've already come this far, let's just go ahead and make doll-sized Trojans included accessories. Laura Berner is a psychology major from Rye, N.Y. She can be reached at lberner@princeton.edu.
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