Vulvagraphy

Vulva. Yes, we did just say vulva. Your sleep-deprived brain has not abandoned you yet. We're not just talking about the vagina today; we're talking about the whole pussy. Welcome to SCORE!, the Street's new sex column. We'll be ringing your bimonthly bell with columns dedicated to the many facets of sex at Old Nassau. Today's topic: the vagina.

Many incorrectly assume that, by saying vagina, they are encompassing the whole of female genitalia. Oh no my friends; this term refers only to that delightful interior Chinese finger-trap. True, the vagina is long, strong and can stretch to 10 times its original size, but it is not the whole enchilada.

If the only times you ever think about your vulva are when you get a frontal wedgie while dancing on the bar at your favorite eating club or dorm room, during that time of the month when it really cannot be avoided or when you're not sure just what your latest Thursday night partner is trying to accomplish — this guide is for you. Or, if you worry that you are that Thursday night partner, think of this as your Lonely Planet "Guide to the Vulva."

We've heard a lot of lax terms being thrown around, and we believe it is imperative for all Princetonians to be able to use the correct terminology and know the ... lay of the land, as they say.

We begin our tour of the vulva at the mons pubis. Despite the fancy-schmancy name, the mons pubis merely describes that tantalizing pubic forest situated on top of a small mound of fatty tissue located directly above the pubic bone. This is an area that can get quite itchy if you decide to go Brazilian.

If the vulva had one overarching theme, it might very well be layers. The mons pubis, in combination with the outer labia, makes up the exterior portion of the vulva. The outer labia, like most parts of the vulva, are a paradox. Though tender and seductively sensitive, one might call them Timex of the body: they can take a licking and keep on ticking. Their primary function is to protect you from the elements, like your eight-hour jaunt on a stationary bike at Dillon.

Next on our magical journey through the foreign land of Vulva are the inner labia. Betcha didn't see that one coming, eh? The inner labia are prime indicators of sexual stimulation. They become engorged during arousal, but otherwise their appearance can differ considerably from woman to woman. Kinda like a fingerprint, but way way cooler. Inner labia may be small, big, long, short, wrinkly, smooth or different colors, and have all kinds of markings, such as freckles, birthmarks and what have you.

And now for one of our favorite study breaks. It wears a hood, is quite the badass and, though distracting, can help you reach your goal — provided that your goal is getting off. The clitoris, one of the focal points of female orgasm, is home to the largest concentration of nerve-endings in the male or female body — 8,000 to be precise. Its purpose is pure in function and not to be underestimated. Trust us on this one. However, if you're one of those out there still madly searching for the clitoris (even your own), don't freak out; you will eventually make contact. In the meantime, some consider every part of the vulva to be as important as the clitoris, as each part contributes to arousal.

Moving on down, we stop at a point often overlooked by the casual vulva tourist. It's true, the urethra doesn't look like much, and it doesn't garner much attention until it's halfway through lecture and you've already downed a huge Frist coke. The urethra is small and unassuming, and is located about halfway between the clit and the vagina. If you're really intrigued, you can locate one with the aid of a lamp and a small handheld mirror.

As we approach the vagina, the head honcho of female genitalia, we find that words fail us. Not that we are attempting to establish a reverence of this particular organ, but it does seem to possess that je ne sais quois that stops one in one's tracks. The vagina is a large muscular tube that opens onto the vulva. When it's not expelling babies or various fluids — we know, it's hot — you'll likely find the vagina participating in various types of fun sexual activities, or whatever else floats its boat.

While ending with the perineum may seem anticlimactic, there's really no good reason not to be a big perineum fan. Sex just wouldn't be the same without the perineum, a muscular band chock full of nerve endings separating the vulva and the anus. It may seem an unlikely candidate for providing sexual stimulation, but it definitely does its duty by you (or your fave gal pal). You can even give it a workout (google: Kegel Exercises) and it will perform at heightened levels. It might not get you to your optimum heart rate, but, like any extra time spent with a vulva, it is certainly worth your while.

It might seem sort of ridiculous to some to separate the female genitals into their separate parts. But as they say, the more you know, the farther you go. This was but a brief overview, and if you are looking for more information there are many useful sources. Because we like primary sources here at Princeton, the authors of this column recommend a little Q-T with your vulva of choice and its owner.

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If you're bored or disgusted by this column, get over it and email kahines@princeton.edu or krogache@princeton.edu with any questions or suggestions even mildly related to sex that you'd like us to discuss. You can even do this if you're not bored or disgusted by the column. This week's question for you to respond to is: where do you or your anonymous acquaintances like to get it on around campus? We promise confidentiality and all that jazz. Or you can just whip out that old Hotmail account.