NASSAU HALL — Princeton University will henceforth be known as Arinceton University, president Shirley Tilghman announced today in a hastily called press conference.
While Tilghman refused to explain the reasoning behind the move, high ranking administrators confirmed that the switch was to give Princeton alphabetical priority in the case of another tie with Harvard atop the U.S. News & World Report rankings.
"Shirl' got her panties all in a bunch when she saw that Harvard was listed above us in this year's rankings," Dean of Admissions Janet Rapelye said, speaking off the record. "She's always very insistent about being on top."
Some questioned the logic of the decision, noting that Harvard could simply change its name to Aarvard and maintain its position. Harvard officials could not be reached for comment, however, as they were too busy eating clam chowder to pick up their phones.
But Princeton administrators were also quick to mention the secondary economic benefits of the decision. Within minutes after the name change was announced, U-Store workers were restocking shelves with new Arinceton apparel.
"Think of all the new merchandise we'll be able to sell. Every student, every parent, every alum — they'll all spend hundreds of dollars each on our ridiculously overpriced products," Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel said, also speaking off the record.
"We'll rake in the cash. I'll be able to use all the extra dough to bribe professors to give nothing but C's," she added.
Despite the inconvenience of needing a new wardrobe, many students praised the change, explaining that the drop in Princeton's ranking had damaged their postgraduate options.
"Thank god we're ranked number one again," sophomore Ari Goldensteinberg said. "If I don't get into the top medical school in the country, I'll regard my life as a miserable failure. I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this, I need to get back to studying Orgo."
Other students professed ambivalence towards the decision.
"Whatever," said senior lacrosse captain Bobby Robert as he left Tiger Inn. "As long as they don't try to stop me from popping the collar of my Lacoste pink polo shirt, I don't care what they do."
"Not that they could stop me even if they wanted to," he continued, pausing briefly to put on a second polo shirt over the one he was already wearing. "I'm a lacrosse player, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, on this campus."
On the other hand, many alumni were appalled by the lack of respect for tradition.
"I graduated from Princeton, my father graduated from Princeton, my grandfather graduated from Princeton, and my great-grandfather graduated from Princeton," Marshall Charles Stuart Tucker Fitzhugh VII '83 said.
"And based on that legacy, I expect all my children and grandchildren to graduate from Princeton too — not Arinceton, mind you — even if they're complete nincompoops."
Other alums echoed Fitzhugh's sentiments, pledging to take immediate action.
"I'll just give them enough money that they have to change it back," Senate majority leader Bill Frist '74 said. "Actually, maybe I'll just have them name the whole place after me. 'Fristinceton' . . . now that's what I call Fristification."
But the most common reaction was disbelief.
"I'm in disbelief. It's unbelievable, really. I mean, I just can't believe it," A. Whiteman '37 said. "Back in my day, this never would have happened. First we let in women, then this. What's next? Are we going to let in Jews now? What about blacks? This place is going to hell in a hand basket." This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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