Chemical Engineering Professor Vladamir Smirnov announced yesterday that he would be heading a study on the addictive component of marijuana, using a group of Princeton students as subjects.
"We're interested in how the drug affects people of a variety of lifestyles," Smirnov said. "Who knows what will happen when a computer science major smokes pot?"
The study will consist of an eight-week program in which 50 students will be asked to "smoke up" one to three times daily, and then proceed directly to Terrace to complete a variety of diagnostic tasks.
The University has earmarked $100,000 for the study. The United States Food and Drug Administration and the Drug Enforcement Agency have also issued the necessary usage and planting permits to the University. University funding will be distributed among research grants, equipment and payment for gardeners, who will be tending the fields at an undisclosed location.
One anonymous source hinted that the farming location would likely be Prospect Gardens.
Funds have not been allocated for student participation. "I don't think that will affect participation levels," Rose said, laughing. "We've already received a considerable number of applications from Terrace and Tiger Inn club members."
The majority of students were excited to learn of the study.
"I've been waiting for this opportunity all four years," said Zachary Goldfarb '05.
A number of applicants expressed optimism about their chances of being chosen to participate.
"My resume has never looked so good," said Dan Antalics '05. "Who's laughing now, Goldman Sachs?"
Some students, however, questioned the study's academic originality.
"I've been living this study a long time now. Nobody's ever asked me anything. What a waste of money," said one student, who identified herself only as Burger McFrenchfries.
The Chemical Engineering office was crowded yesterday with students seeking application forms.
"I've never seen this place so busy since Professor Steiner discovered the nutriative components of 2,2 bioxirane!" said Chemical Engineering professor Maitland Gingrich. "Wait, that wasn't really very crowded."
Smirnov added that he will be partaking in the study hmself. "I'll jump into the test group once in a while," she said, "for research purposes, of course."
Despite some negative reactions from alumni, University administrators said they admired Smirnov's initiative in beginning a study that could possibly lead to groundbreaking knowledge about a pressing issue. Several other universities have been denied permits in the past to conduct similar studies.
"There has been some protest from alumni concerning the study," President Tilghman said. "Steve Forbes apparently announced that he's still no longer donating money to the University, but especially so now."
"But we'll be fine," she continued. "I hear that Menendez kid is really excited." This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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