The best president ever

George W. Bush is, indisputably, the best president in the history of the United States. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that he's the best leader EVER, trumping everyone from Winston Churchill (a drunk) to King David (a pretty-boy shepherd according to the prophet Samuel and a girlie man according to Gov. Schwarzenegger). His notion of preemption would've worked wonders for Lincoln, Roosevelt, and the guy in Independence Day. The funny thing is, I wasn't aware that the president was the paradigm of perfection until the election cycle hit fever pitch this summer.

As a libertarian conservative, I have always regarded the Republican Party as the lesser of two evils. Bush's early promises of cutting taxes meant cutting government to me. But hidden in this beautiful promise was a sinister spending plan that would endeavor to help all sorts of poor people, leaving no child behind and extending prescription drug coverage. Other less-than-Libertarian actions included the appointment of the Missionary from Missouri, the Apostle John Ashcroft, to the post of Attorney General after he lost his Senate reelection campaign to a dead dude. The Right sought to repeal Roe v. Wade, while I remained pro-choice in the hopes that I too might one day get to have foolish unprotected sex like the rest of the nation. And when the Patriot Act passed, I became slightly paranoid that my civil liberties might be in jeopardy if I ever became a terrorist.

My personal faith journey reminds me a lot of Southern attitudes toward slavery leading up the Civil War. Now bear with me, because I'm a political columnist and not an antebellum historian (though I did P/D/F McPherson last semester), but the basic evolution of attitudes as I understand them were as follows: At the foundation of this republic, slavery was already understood to be a "peculiar institution" and regarded as a necessary evil for the time. But as antislavery attitudes began to be interpreted as anti-Southern sentiment, the redneck intellectual elite started getting more and more defensive about their social structure. All of a sudden slavery went from a necessary evil to a positive good, the mud-sill and cornerstone of a flourishing society, with even the slaves benefiting from the benevolent paternalism of their owners. By the brink of the Civil War, I'm sure Southerners were ready to take the position that slavery was "the best thing since mint juleps."

Similarly, I became enamored of our current president after seeing the epic motion picture event of the summer: Michael Moore's timeless "Fahrenheit 9/11." This year's tidal wave of anti-Bushism threw me on the defensive as a conservative. Suddenly George W. wasn't just my candidate in the election by virtue of being a Republican. He was a lightning rod for the legions of the Left from the west coast to northeast. It became my sworn duty to defend the man against all enemies, French and domestic. My axis of evil became Whoopi Goldberg, Bruce Springsteen and George Soros.

If each side is going to rabidly exploit any sign of weakness, then I'm just not going to admit that Bush has any faults. If, in this space, I accuse the president of being fiscally irresponsible — conservatives used to be all about less government) then tomorrow I'll face a litany of jubilant "So let's plant Bush back in Texas!" from my liberal acquaintances and betrayed looks of "Why'd you give them new ammunition?" from my conservative compatriots. The situation reminds me of the peer-review addendum to the Davidson College application that tries to get your friends to say bad things about you. If I want my friend to get in, I'm going to write that she's "the best student I've ever met" and "has no shortcomings that I'm aware of."

So for my money, it's Dubs all the way on Tuesday. Just between you and me, I have my reservations about some of his policies, but I still think he's the best man for the job of beating the crap out of terrorists. And since my admission of weakness may give strength to the Kerry machine, let's keep it a secret. Remember what I said at the outset: George W. Bush is the best president. Ever.