A People in Sexile

Sex is traditionally a partner sport; more than two is too many. Unfortunately, there are probably fewer singles on this campus than people who are getting any (not definitely, probably — let's not flatter ourselves, here), leaving the remaining single-less, hookup-ful students in a bit of a conundrum: how to get some while neither violating the dyadic essence of sex nor being expelled. One solution is to go elsewhere; however, not everyone is keen on making it in the astrophysics library or the Wilcox bathrooms. The second solution is to throw your roommate out.

This latter option is so common among college students, it has acquired its own ambiguously affectionate nickname: sexiling. Positions on this very sensitive matter vary wildly and mostly depend on whether you're the sexiler or the sexilee, how badly you need to get laid or how many hours you have before your exam. The bottom line: sexiling is perfectly acceptable provided we all follow the proper etiquette and code of conduct.

We all want each other to get some. Horny people are not happy people, and if you actively begrudge your roommate getting any, you are a miserable person. Conversely, everyone is entitled to certain rights within their own living space, and if you repeatedly violate your poor, celibate roommate's rights or disregard his or her wishes, you are inconsiderate and unscrupulous. The Golden Rule, as always, holds: basically, be courteous. Here are a few things to consider.

Frequency: A good roommate is willingly sexiled from time to time. It's usually inconsiderate to ask this of them regularly — particularly, if compliance interrupts their lifestyle. Note that less often than on the hour may still be too frequent and also that physically leaving the room is not necessarily a lifestyle interruption.

Extent: There is quite a difference between "Would you mind leaving the state until the day after tomorrow?" and "Would you mind going to brush your teeth for nine minutes or so?". Try not to ask for more than you need, and try to grant as much as you can afford. Exceptions may be made for special circumstances, such as formals, out-of-town visitors or a significant other who is going north for the weekend.

A Plan: Consider the physical setup of your room. Most quads likely have a common room with friendly couches on which sexilees can sleep for a night; other setups, such as a one-room double, present a greater challenge. If you are in one of these challenging situations, it is in everyone's best interest to become friendly with someone nearby who won't mind you crashing in the event of a sexodus.

Giving Notice: it's nice to say, "Can I have the room from 7:30 to 8:30?" but it's hard to say, "I might nail someone, anyone, tonight — can I have the room?" — some things just can't be predicted. So a signal is clutch: a necktie around the doorknob, a sock drawn on the whiteboard, a condom wrapper taped to the door.

Roommate's Circumstance: whenever sexiling, always be open to rejection. Unless you're in dire straits and the roomie is one of the miserable people mentioned above, try not to push the issue if they are on deadline, already sleeping or have their mother visiting.

False Alarms: I have occasionally eagerly sexiled myself despite my roommate's protestations and then returned in the morning to learn that the guy on our futon is her brother — just make sure they actually want you gone. To that end, the roommate is often a terrific excuse to get rid of whatever sketchball followed you home, so make sure you're not leaving your cohabitator in the lurch by skedaddling too readily.

Evidence: if you sexile successfully, always eliminate, as much as possible, all traces of your romp. You owe your roommate this common courtesy, so be sure to put the furry handcuffs away, move the mirror back to where it usually is and mop the walls.

Simple, right? Everything I Need to Know About Sexiling, I Learned in Kindergarten: Be respectful, take turns and wash your hands. I must acknowledge that there is one last solution to the roommate/booty-call problem — doing it with the roommate in the room — but that will be discussed another day . . .