Getting back to reality

What if you turned on your television next year and came across a show called "My Best Friend is a Big, Fat Slut?" You would conclude one of two things: Either someone ordered a little bit more than basic cable, or Linda Tripp was being interviewed on "60 Minutes." You would probably not guess that you were watching the Oxygen Network, programming for today's woman. To catch a ride on the lucrative wave of reality television, Oxygen is planning to launch the show, title and all, in the near future.

We all know that the big fat slut has no limits, but how far can reality television go? UPN, the network so well known for its hilarious comedy "You know, the one with the Wayans brother in it," is planning to launch a show called "Amish in the City" in which Amish teenagers live with your run-of-the-mill nutty American teens while deciding whether or not to embrace their church for life. Nothing would drive me to religion more quickly than living with that beastly Hilfiger girl from MTV for a few months, I'll say that much.

If fat sluts or Amish kids aren't really your cup of tea, maybe you'll find what you're looking for in the glorious land of tea itself, England. Britain's Sky Network filmed a show called "Find Me a Man," in which young males competed to win the love of a beautiful woman. Fine, so the gorgeous female all the guys were after was actually a male. Big deal. Needless to say, lawsuits are pending and disinfectant is being gargled. A quick search online will find over 160 reality television shows which have run, and that's only in America. What do these shows say about human nature? That we love watching people be humiliated and horribly screwed over. We take time out of our day to watch people gag on horse eyeballs on NBC's "Fear Factor." We laugh as a family falls apart in "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" on Fox. Not to be confused with the slut. Notice how, unless you're Nick Lachey, husband of Jessica Simpson and star of MTV's "Newlyweds," nothing good happens to you on a reality show. Even Nick has to deal with Jessica between sex.

Not only do we love watching people suffer, but we love it so much that we create artificial scenarios to facilitate it. Nobody ever really points out that reality television has nothing to do with reality. Reality television is all about producing things that simply don't happen in the real world. When was the last time you found yourself on an island full of sexy women with one job: to make you cheat on your girlfriend? When was the last time a guy who looks like the guys on "Average Joe" had any chance with a girl like the one they're competing for?

For God's sake, when was the last time a group of gay men busted into your apartment, tore off your toupee, changed all your wallpaper and took you to dancing lessons?

My guess is that the closest thing to actual reality on reality television is MTV's hit "The Real World." I guess it's possible I could move into an apartment next year with an ignorant white kid, a quirky Asian girl, an introspective black guy, a slightly overweight and moody girl of undetermined background, and a rich and sassy New Yorker. The difference between reality and reality television is that I'd take one look at that crowd and walk right back out the door.

Maybe that's what it's time to do: start turning our back on reality television. The way things are going, it's only a matter of time before someone gets killed or a straight guy kisses a gay guy. The WB has a show called "No Boundaries," and I think that pretty accurately describes the current trend in reality programming. Here's a tip: if it's people getting humiliated you like to watch, get to know some Yankees fans this year. But for the love of all that is good in this world, stay away from "The Anna Nicole Smith Show." She's really just a big, fat slut. Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C. He can be reached at cnewton@princeton.edu. His column appears alternate Fridays.