When the snow falls on campus for the first time this season, pants and bras won't fall with it. President Shapiro banned the Nude Olympics several years ago, and it's up to Shirley to bring them back. Not just bring them back, though, but make them an event for all classes, not only sophomores. When you think about it, the Nude Olympics solve every problem that plagues this campus in one night of fun, so why not make it an all-school event?
Let's take body image issues, for example. When you see me naked running around Holder Courtyard in subzero temperatures, you'll feel pretty damn good about yourself, believe me. I can even think of a few people who would make me feel good about myself, so we'll all be happy. Oh, and guys, no fear, it's really cold, so that can be your excuse. The one clause here is that Vail Bloom can't show up. She'll make everyone feel crappy. Plus, she'll be busy figuring out what to wear to her victory dinner as the one person in the past year who has done more for this school than anybody else. Don't believe me? Check her pictures out in Maxim and then tell me you aren't proud to be a Princetonian.
There has been a death of intellectualism on this campus you claim? If that is the poison, I've got the remedy: the fact that the greatest ideas of all time were thought of in the nude. Archimedes' Principle was nailed when a guy climbed into a bathtub in the nude. Whoever first made fire probably wasn't wearing clothes, and clothes themselves must have been thought up in the nude, because there would have been no such thing as clothes to have been wearing. President Clinton forged ties with foreign leaders and passed legislation all from the comfort of his office and all in the comfort of no clothing. You can also be damn sure that John Nash came up with some of his best stuff in the nude. Hell, the man was sleeping with Jennifer Connelly! It's not her mind that's beautiful, I can tell you that. Granted, many of the worst ideas of all time have also been thought up in the nude, some notables being Pamela and Tommy bringing a video camera along on vacation and me seeing how hot the water in my shower actually gets. I think R. Kelly probably has honorable mentions in this category, but none that I really want to discuss.
If it's precept reform you want, Shirley, you got it! Precepts that are awful are awful because of awful silences. No one wants to spend 50 minutes a week in what feels essentially like a blind date gone horribly wrong. If people would be a little less intimidated in precept, discussion would flow freely and ideas could be exchanged. What's the best way to be less intimidated by someone? See them completely nude of course. I'm going to have no qualms about telling a fellow student that I don't agree with their interpretation of the reading if the last time we talked was butt-naked in a courtyard full of snow. I call it the "more gawk, more talk" rule. Let me put it this way: Remember when you had to make your first big speech in front of people and your mom told you to imagine everyone nude? It's like that, only you don't have to imagine.
What about town-gown relations? They've been heavily criticized in the past, but reinstating the Nude Olympics is the perfect way to tear down the wall between our off-campus buddies and us. As students toss their skivvies aside, so too will the barrier of mistrust and hostility between town and gown be discarded. Is there anything better when it comes to making friends than getting completely naked in front of those you want to get to know? Actually, I have no idea, but someone let me know before next Saturday either way. It could save me from a very awkward situation.
Some claim that people of different races and classes don't interact at Princeton. Try telling me that when the whole campus is swirling around a courtyard in the buff. It will bring people together in ways never thought possible. The Nude Olympics will be a celebration of what makes us human; skin color, sexual orientation, socioeconomic background and political preference won't matter at all when we can all agree on one thing: If getting hammered and running around naked in the snow is wrong, then we don't want to be right.
Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C.
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