Blue plate special: The menus at Cottage, Ivy, Quad

Let us reiterate that our purpose is not to insult your food, judge your company, outrage your staff or offend your mother. However, we are doing everything your mother advised you not to do: we are judging a book by its cover, eating three helpings of dessert and making someone else wash our dirty dishes.

We are merely two JP-procrastinating rebels without a cause, trying to discuss a crucial aspect of the Street that is too often overlooked in the midst of Bicker, sign-ins and Saturday night chaos. We have visited each of the clubs in the past and are currently in the progress of visiting the clubs twice more and tallying the opinions of members, which is more fairness than what professional phantom gourmets offer their victim establishments.

Food ratings are on a scale from one to five paws. For example, One paw: Go directly to the dining hall. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Five paws: I'm in heaven! But wait, I'm still in New Jersey.

Cottage

Dress Code: Don't be fooled by the knockoff-Cottage-sweatshirts the P.U. Orchestra's got. At 51 Prospect, only the real burgundy stuff can be seen. Meals are dress casual and male members operate under the rule that shirts are optional when eating lunch outside on the balustrade.

Décor & Atmosphere: Their side of paradise is one to be envied by those stuck on the other side of preppie paradise at Princeton. Everything from the impeccably green lawn, the (only Prospect) private fountain, and the myriad of sitting rooms filled with long, leather couches gives substance to Cottage's well-deserved reputation for having the décor of a spacious Southern plantation.

Everything from the maitre d' at the door to the display case of insignia shirts, ties and suspenders remind you that there did in fact exist a time (the 1800s) when it was socially acceptable to wear suspenders.

Cleanliness: Would you eat off that floor? We sure would.

Hours: A bit shorter than normal club hours.

Food Rating: 4.5. Whether you're dining on braised rabbit or hot dogs and cold pasta, Cottage meals always have an air of elegance and are impeccably prepared. Delicate desserts of ice cream pirouettes save you the nuisance of dipping cookies into ice cream yourself as well. Pitchers of iced-tea and water are set at every table. However, if you want more vulgar drinks such as "Coca-Cola," you'll have to make a trek to the kitchen yourself.

Also, Cottage's personal napkin system would be a communist's nightmare. While some Princeton students don't even have guaranteed housing, each member's napkin has its own abode in a network of labeled cubbies. Different colored napkins for guests can make meal exchangers feel either special or silly (like the kid with the dunce cap on in the corner).

Ivy

Dress Code: You should be sporting two out of the four of specified items: a.) A shirt with a collar b.) A shirt with the collar turned up, Elvis style c.) An item of Bermuda red clothing d.) No socks, regardless of gender, shoe choice or weather.

Décor & Atmosphere: We found entire new meanings to the phrase "old school" when laying eyes upon the white tablecloths, silver candelabras, deep mahogany room trimmings and velvet draperies scheduled to be drawn precisely at sunset everyday. Their great-great-great-great grandfathers would be proud of the secret time warp they've mysteriously created in the middle of New Jersey. A tailed-tuxedo wearing Jeeves at the door or an after dinner cigar are the only additions that would have made our dining experience more complete. Ivy speech dictionary: Use "maybe" instead of "perhaps" in all dinner conversation; similarly, be sure to replace "sex" with the evermore genteel term "intercourse."

Cleanliness: As clean, proper and well-groomed as the members.

Hours: Normal club hours, with sit-down, served dinners on Monday through Thursday and Saturday nights. Or, as one of the members liked to complain, "We have to go through the pain of serving ourselves on Friday and Sunday."

Food Rating: 5. In a world of danger and injustice, this five-paw rating reassures honest Americans that there is still one place on earth where you still get what you pay for. Breakfasts and lunches are served buffet style, while dinners are a choice of two chef's specials. Grilled chicken with your choice of gourmet sauces is also available nightly in case you can't seem to pronounce the evening's specials when ordering from the waiter.

The curry-peach chicken, eggplant ratatouille and meat ragout served on elegantly large insignia plates were both savory and aesthetically pleasing. Warm rolls, fresh salad greens and tasty dressing were conveniently arranged on the dinner tables, so enlightened conversations were never to be interrupted by the blasphemy of getting up. Soda fountains are for the uncultured; Ivy members only drink soda from a tap and water from glass pitchers.

Quad

Dress Code: We couldn't tell whether members were wearing their bright yellow club sweatshirts to avoid being hit by speeding cars on the way to dinner, or to protest that yellow really is the new orange.

Décor & Atmosphere: The neat garden in the yard and the beautiful green backyard lends a happy and comfortable atmosphere to the dining experience. Unbeknownst to the average visitor, the dining area is a small, comfortable room by day, but a place where Beirut history is made by night. Quad boasts of its own club Beirut table with a giant, embossed "Q" into which — rumor has it — beer is poured and lit afire during special drunken tournaments.

Cleanliness: To the average visiting parent, the dining room would seem clean and tidy, although a curiously faint smell of alcohol pervades.

Hours: Normal club hours.

Food Rating: 3.5. Before dining, a few notes of caution: Sunday pizza nights must be avoided at ALL costs; if you try to sneak in without first filling out a meal exchange slip, good luck physically defending yourself against the angry cook armed with cooking utensils and threats on your life; watch out for incognito fencers who walk quietly and carry big metal swords.

All these points aside, however, Quad does pride itself on being the owner of Prospect's only slushy machine with flavors that range from strawberry-banana to pina colada. Warm apple pie and ice cream are also frequently on the dessert menu. For those who like to eat their dinners before desserts, the buffet-serving style often include pasta and chicken dishes, complemented by an excellent salad bar.