Can I do it or not: Swallowing goldfish, unraveling the ethics of ethics, stealing chemicals and dealing with stupid math dorks

'Roundtable Ethics' features University faculty members and other random people answering ethical and moral questions solicited from 48 University Place. The questions may range from inane to really obvious in nature. The 'Prince' hopes that the column will take up enough space to fill half the page.

This week's columnist, Father Rabbi Imam, is confused. He played a minor role in "Jesus Christ Superstar" on Broadway and was the voice of the talking dreidel in Adam Sandler's "Eight Crazy Nights," until finding his calling as an ethical columnist for the 'Prince.' He'd like to thank the editors for giving him the opportunity to make stuff up and get printed. Shout out to page three!

I am a tall blonde who follows a vegan lifestyle. I enjoy long walks on the beach and . . . Oops, I mean to say, since Bicker is approaching, I am concerned about some of the things they might make me do at Tigger Inn. Sleeping with the officers is easy, but it's the goldfish I'm worried about. Do I swallow the thing or not? — Scared to swallow '05

Ah, the age-old "should I swallow the goldfish" question. Some obscure author once wrote that "the ends justify the means." I happen to agree and have found this adage quite useful in justifying many of my previous illegal endeavors. Anyway, enough about me.

You must eat the fish.

You know what they say: Spare the fish and spoil the Bicker. Why must you be so selfish? Think about everyone else for a change. People want to see you make a fool out of yourself. The added utility they will gain by watching you gag on the goldfish certainly outweighs any good that could come from you following your ridiculous beliefs.

But if you really want to be annoying and be all tree-hugging and stuff like that, I have another idea. Ooh, this one is so good. Get a friend to distract the group by shouting: "The Borough Police are coming! The Borough Police are coming!" and replace the real goldfish with a plastic toy. Once everyone realizes that the Borough Police just wanted to collect its tax money and not to bust the club for underage drinking, just swallow the fish as if nothing unusual has happened. If you choke and die, at least you will have saved Mr. Goldfish. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place, huh, isn't it? I am so good at this.

Better yet, why don't you just join Terrace? There are more of "your kind" there.

Is it ethical to call a student "stupid" to his face? I am referring to a young man in my MAT 569: Gauge Theory and Low-Dimensional Typology course. I think he is trying, but he just does not get it. Last week, he asked me to reexplain Topological Quantum Field Theories in Dimension 4. Next he'll ask questions about Gromov invariants and Floer-homologies. I can't handle stupidity. I'm not a psychologist, I'm a mathematician! Would "Anti-intellectual" be preferable? — Mad in Math Land

I have no clue what you're talking about, so I'm not going to answer that.

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What are your thoughts on stealing? I'm not talking about cars or anything really big, just stuff like plasticware from Frist, or magazines from the gym, or explosive chemicals from my orgo lab. — Koncerned Klepto '04

I thought we went through this already. The ends justify the means. Are you the same person who doesn't understand Topological Quantum Field Theories in Dimension 4? Really, I can't make it any simpler. It depends on what you're going to do with the goods you are stealing. For example, if you are using the stolen magazines to make one of those pretty collage-things for your grandmother, who am I to tell you not to steal? If you're using the plasticware to throw a party for underprivileged children during the holiday season, then I can't think of anything nicer to do. And finally, if you're mixing chemicals to advance the cause of science, in whatever way that might be, by all means, proceed. See, couldn't you have answered that one on your own?

Is it ethical to have random Joe's with no credentials or intellectual ability answering ethical questions? — Bill Beaver '03

I don't understand why you are hostile towards me. I don't believe I ever personally offended you in any way, although I cannot be sure of all the things I have done in past lives. I am just a struggling actor-author-religious guru trying to make an honest living in a failing economy. You should send me a check or some food, not harass me about my job experience.

Actually, I had already answered this question in a previous issue (which you obviously did not read). But since I don't have anything else to answer, I will give you an honest response. Yes, it is without a doubt, 100 percent ethical for me to answer ethical questions.

For one last time, the ends justify the means. If I can get a paycheck for doing this column, then I should pretend I know what I'm talking about and write it. If I can help some poor unethical person make a highly informed ethical decision based upon my superior qualifications and inherent brilliance, why not? Remember, there are no stupid answers, only stupid questions.

Got an ethical question? Don't bother emailing us; we make them up anyway.