Ivy League votes to contract two teams

HOAGIE HAVEN — The Council of Ivy Group Presidents gathered for a press conference here Thursday at the premier Princeton fast food institution to announce that they had voted overwhelmingly to authorize Executive Director Jeff Orleans to begin the process of contracting two Ivy athletic programs prior to the start of next season.

The franchises proposed for contraction have not be identified, but speculation is running wild.

"It makes no sense for Ivy League sports to be in markets that generate insufficient local revenues to justify the investment," Orleans stated. "The teams to be contracted will be ones that have a long record of failing to generate enough revenues and a history of substandard performance."

When asked if there were any Ivy schools with athletic programs that actually generate revenue, Orleans responded, "Okay, you got me. Revenue has got nothing to do with it. We're just going to get rid of the teams in little towns that suck."

Orleans' statement immediately fueled rumors that Dartmouth would be the first to go.

"But, but, they can't take us. We've got a really solid men's cross country program," Big Green Athletic Director Dick Jaeger stammered.

Some also think that Columbia is a likely candidate for contraction.

"Columbia — please," Princeton president Shirley Tilghman proclaimed. "Gutz [Provost Amy Gutmann], R-dub [Dean Richard Williams], Da Friar [English professor John Fleming] and I could beat the beejeezus out of Columbia. Name the sport. You want squash? I got your squash right here."

Tilghman was not worried about the possibility of Princeton athletics being targeted. Princeton Director of Athletics Gary Walters shared her sentiments.

"Are we one of the programs? Don't waste my time," Walters, a former Navy SEAL and professional wrestler, said. "I've got things to do."

Is Ivy rival Penn a possibility? Some think so.

"As for the Penn 'students,' I'd be willing to just give them all diplomas now and send them on their way," Cornell president Hunter Rawlings said. "It's not like those things are worth much anyway."

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Penn's President Dr. Judith Rodin, the lone vote against contraction, vowed that Penn would nullify the new law and threatened to secede from the league if the Quakers are chosen.

"This is nonsense," the good doctor said, "the Ivy League is a compact among the many schools, and you can quote me on that, and then you can kiss my sovereign . . ."

Rodin was then interrupted by her flapper and was reminded that Penn had not yet been eliminated.

"Oh...well, in that case, take Yale. Their their town smells like butt."

Athletes from the contracted schools would be spread among the remaining schools by way of a player dispersal draft.

Princeton lacrosse coach Bill Tierney was less than excited.

"Well LA-dee-FRICKIN'-da," Tierney said. "Just what I need, 10 players from Ivy teams we've been dragging up and down the field for the last 10 years. Thanks but no thanks — we've got all the door stops we need. Can't we just get rid of Syracuse instead?"