It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the great air terminals of this land when they see their fellow passengers beset by protracted delay and scrutiny. Instead of devoting themselves to rebuilding our economy through ever-burgeoning commerce, they must bend every effort to stave off terror and tedium in equal parts.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
We should handcuff all passengers for the duration of their flights.
No marshals, no expensive cockpit doors, no burdensome security. Profiling will be unnecessary since everyone in handcuffs looks the same — guilty. Many other advantages might be enumerated. The air travel exception to our otherwise classless society will be honored: Economy-class passengers will be cuffed to their seats and only allowed to visit the toilet if their seatmate requests it; business-class will be able to choose between being cuffed to their cell phones or their laptops; and first-class passengers will be cuffed to a bottle of champagne. Newlyweds can be handcuffed together, but only on presentation of a joint photo I.D. And entrepreneurship will be encouraged: Couturier cuffs will proliferate and national airlines can fruitfully compete - Air France with pastel colors, Lufthansa with hearty metal bracelets and Delta with practical and reusable American plastics.
Air travel will be calmer as well as safer. The Arabs won't be able to plot among themselves, since no Arab can possibly talk if he can't gesture with his hands. And since Italians and Jews also have to gesture to talk, flights should be quieter all around. Air rage will level out with everyone being equally cowed. Small children will be allowed to run in the aisles since their fighting spirit needs to remain unrepressed, as well as to hinder any hijackers' movements. And those who attempt to eat will have the opportunity to improve restricted motor skills in anticipation of their declining years.
Some may argue that our most cherished institutions — the overbooking lottery, the right to throw trash on the floor - will be sacrificed under these conditions. But with due deference to such patriots, I must point out that these factors will be offset by stewardesses (sorry, flight security associates) being altogether more tractable; food fights, likewise, will be more inhibited among rowdy sports fans, and greater opportunity will be afforded all to contemplate a unified theory of gravity and abdominal pressure.
...I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in the promotion of this necessary work, but only in the public good: I have long since sold my options in start-up handcuff companies and my aging joints are too insalubrious to slip freedom's loving embrace. I seek only the greatest good at the cheapest available price in the certain knowledge that only thus shall our great nation rise to the challenge. Lawrence Rosen, who has never heard of Jonathan Swift, chairs the anthropology department when he is not surrendering to the crass emoluments of fleeting notice. He can be reached at lrosen@princeton.edu.
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