In surprise announcement, Ashcroft vows to enforce laws

WASHINGTON (AP) — Attorney General-designate John Ashcroft reiterated his shocking pledge yesterday to "enforce U.S. laws" if his appointment is approved by the U.S. Senate.

When asked by Democratic leaders whether he would uphold a woman's right to have an abortion, Ashcroft appeared to hesitate for a moment. He answered no, causing several senators to shake their heads with disapproval.

"Wait! I have, 'say the opposite of what I mean disease,' " Ashcroft quipped, quoting from the 1994 hit "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" and prompting raucous laughter from the senators questioning him.

Ashcroft quickly followed his joke by promising to be a dedicated supporter of Roe v. Wade.

"It's whatever," he said.

Ashcroft's confident replies under intense questioning appear to have set some liberal senators' minds at ease about the controversial apointee.

"We definitely had our reservations about John," said Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass. "But anyone who can quote from a Jim Carey movie has my vote. Besides, you heard him, he promised."

Ashcroft's testimony prompted several other Washington leaders to restate their roles. Following Ashcroft's promise to uphold the law, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan made a stunning vow to "oversee U.S. monetary policy."

Mad Cow rears ugly head

HOPEWELL (AP) — The cattle disease that has been ravaging Europe made its first appearence in the United States yesterday.

State officials examining the cows said they could not intially determine the origin of the disease, but warned that this appearance of mad cow disease might not be the last.

Meat expert Stu Orefice, the Princeton University director of dining services, was called to the site of the disease discovery.

"Stu is a real pro with diseased meat. He's got a lot of experience in meatpacking and meat distribution," New Jersey cattle inspector Larry Dupraz said. "It doesn't take much prodding to get him to help out in a problem area like this."

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Orefice, along with members of his PUDS rapid response team, herded the maddened cattle into University trailers to be taken back to the Frist Campus Center "for analysis."

"Don't worry," Orefice said to the relieved cattle owner. "I know just what to do with these diseased cows."

Jersey to spread the sludge

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Tons of smelly sludge from New Jersey could be spread across Ohio's farm fields even though environmentalists say the waste does not meet recommended federal standards.

"The more they put this near people's homes, the more people are going to raise a stink about it," said Bruce Cornett of the Green Environmental Coalition.

The sludge is less refined and has a worse odor than sludge already brought into Ohio from East Coast cities. "It's tough to describe something that smells that bad," said former Rep. Gene Krebs, R-Camden, who sponsored a law governing sludge standards. "This stuff is infinitely worse than anything I've smelled on an animal farm."