The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
From 12:34 a.m. to 2:44 a.m. last night, 66 percent of first-year dorm rooms across campus lit up by the intermittent glow of phones and tablets, reminding the Class of 2025 that those same four people who spammed the class as prefrosh are still, somehow, talking in the GroupMe.
Screenshots obtained by The Daily PrintsAnything reveal a steady barrage of asks to borrow screwdrivers, requests for the answer to No. 2 on the problem set, 11th hour pleas for a fourth person to add to their draw group, and proposals to share an Uber to EWR at 4 a.m. tomorrow.
Students briefly considered turning off notifications or leaving the group, but refrained “for old time’s sake.”
At press time, half of the Class of 2025 was cringing at every vibration coming from the nightstand.
Andrew Johnson, Contributing Writer at The Prospect and Staff Writer at Satire, has just changed his profile picture.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
